Refuge

Chapter 15

"No" I shook my head "You don't understand. Everything I've done and been through, Nicolas knows because we grew up together. But to have someone in the real world know me, no"

"Why?!" she sighed aloud "Jesus"

"Because my past isn't easy. You think being homeless is hard?" I wanted to tell her more but I already said enough.

Ella shook her head. "You've always been a good liar, always. So I don't know when you're telling the truth"

"You don't have to know" I froze "Because I can't tell you about myself"

"You make it so damn hard to trust you or even like you for a bit"

I took a deep breath as images transitioned throughout my mind.
"I love you Josh, I love you Josh, I love you Josh"
The same three words echoed through my ear.
"I need you Josh, I'll kill myself Josh"
Her eyes wide open, blood spreading over the wooden floor and the knife halfway through her soulless body.
"Come to me Josh"

"Josh?" Ella's voice duplicated. "Josh" she placed a hand onto my shoulder. "Hey, are you alright"

I shook my head.
"I'll kill myself, I love you, you love me"

"Josh" Ella's voice remained duplicating.

I shoved her away, so rough that she almost lost balance.
I felt my eyes water but I held it back strongly that they disappeared within seconds.
"This is exactly why I don't want to tell you anything!" I groaned.

Ella came back towards me. "Your-"

"You don't know anything, shut up!" I yelled.

Ella was speaking but I couldn't hear anything but her voice.
"Kiss me Josh" she giggled "I love you"
"I DON'T!" I yelled within the voices "You're not meant to fall in love!" I leaned against the bench top "I don't know anything about love! Shut up!"

Ella's voice was echoing behind me but I couldn't hear anything but her.
"I'll kill myself"

"You shouldn't have loved the devil" I whispered.
Hands wrapped around me, I turned around and looked down at Ella. "I can't tell you anything"

Ella nodded "Why don't you go to sleep for now, talk tomorrow morning?"

I remembered yesterday how she threatened me with the photo, I tried to control myself so I wouldn't harm her for it.
"I can't sleep" I stopped by her room as she stopped beside me. "Do you have sleeping pills?"

"Uh" Ella rubbed the back of her neck "I have something that helps you sleep, calms you down"

"No" I licked my bottom lip, realising my forehead was dripping sweat. "I naturally can't sleep but this alcohol will have me gone in no time" I added, removing my tie and suit jacket as my body began to heat "I need sleeping pills" I turned back towards the kitchen.

"Hey, hey" Ella rushed in front of me, stopping me "I've never seen you like this, but you need some rest"

"No" I shook my head "I can't sleep"

"Why are you so afraid to sleep?" Ella frowned.

"Nightmares" I whispered.

Ella took a deep breath and sighed. "You can spend the night...in my bed..."

I gulped "Won't help"

"Try" she whispered. "Try"

I nodded.

"Jesus Josh" Ella groaned "This doesn't change anything. This is still my game, we will talk when you're more sober and I have enough sleep"

I gulped.
"I love you Josh, I'll kill myself"

I should've never spoken about her.
I can't speak about anything, otherwise I'll die in my nightmares a thousand, million times.

"Your side, my side" Ella pointed.

But all I could think about was these painful flash-backs.

"Got it?"

That night, I watched Ella sleep...while I was afraid to shut my eyes.
No, I was never scared of anything. I barley feared anything in the real world.
But what was within me, scared me.
I was scared of myself.
What I had bottled up inside me, kept me awake several nights.

I didn't want to sleep.
I was afraid that if I died in my nightmares, I wouldn't wake up in the real world.
I wasn't scared of death, if anything I'd rather die then live.
But not like this, not in my nightmares where things I fear most live.

I placed my head against my pillow grabbed hold of Ella's hand gently, placing it against my bare chest, just where my heart sat.

She was my weakness, so maybe she was my healer and peacemaker.

I took a deep breath.
If my eyes shut and I fell, I wanted to make sure Ella knew that I know what hell is like...
because it's inside of me.

I took a deep breath, forcing my eyes opened.

"Let go" Ella whispered. "Let go, let it be"

I gulped, shutting my eyes.

Ella's body was also sweating.
I frowned as my eyes remained shut.

She was smart but not smart enough.

She also had nightmares.

Tonight, tonight we expose our hidden and silent demons.

___________________

the dead submissive doesnt play a massive role, its just to slowly help learn about Josh and his personal issues.
Anyways, just because Ella allowed him over tonight, doesnt change anything. She's still the badass lady whoz gone take Josh's throne.
Watch it happen...

Double update WHOOOHOOO

Mia x