Undercover

Chapter 13

I went back to my hotel room and I went straight to bed. I don't remember having any dreams, but when I woke up, at about 4 a.m.,  I had something in my mind. Like a genius idea which comes tocyour mind in the middle of the night, out of nowhere. Well, I woke up with this in my mind: so what if Dara got mad at me ? I know the truth, I never told anyone anything which happened between us, so why should I care about what she said/thought? Or wait, if she thinks that I told everybody about it, why shouldn't I tell Ira after all? I forgot to reply to her text. I was going to say something like:'it doesn't matter', or 'I'm not gonna say it' or maybe even a 'no', but I changed my mind. I replied with :"Yes". A simple basic "yes". Why wouldn't I tell Ira that I had sex with Dara after all? If Dara thinks that I am like that, why would I not be like that? At least, I'm telling this only to Ira, not to everybody. Suprinsingly, Ira was awake, and texted me back, saying:"Wow. Thought so". Why 'wow"? What's so extraordinary about it? It's not like I did something which no one else had done before. Before I thought of a reply, Ira sent another text to me:"And you denied it when I said that she uses you? Isn't  it obvious?". I know how I was feeling about it when Ira said this to me the first time, but I wasn't feeling the same now. I don't care if she is right or not? Why does it matter after all? I have only one life. I'm experimenting as much as I can. Why should I have waited for someone 'special'? I should have only waited for an occasion to do this. And that occasion was a few days ago, exactly when it happened. I'm not gonna regret it. No matter if Dara is ever going to realize that she accused me for nothing or not. I don't care anymore. I'm not her puppy. I'm not even going to try to apologize. Apologize for what? I did nothing wrong. It was only her paranoic imagination. Anyway, I replied to Ira saying:"No, Ira. She doesn't use me. We use each other.". I'm seriously starting to change my point of view about everything. I used to let anything get to me and hurt me, but I won't be like this anymore. No feelings for Dara from now on. If she comes back to me, I'll talk to her. If she doesn't, then our friendship ended here. If Dara wants to do it with me ever again, I will. Not because I feel anything for her, but for my self pleasure. After all, I'm going back to Russia in 2 months and I may not come here till summer, so I gotta have fun while I still can. Now, I got another text from Ira saying:"Wow. Again. Wow. You changed a lot, Kris, you know...". Is this a problem after all? Should I be the same good boy all my life? No. I replied with:"Well, it was the time.". Ira texted me back immediately and said:"Be careful". 'Be careful'? Careful about what? Damn, what am I doing so bad after all? Why is she so overprotective about it? I said:"Why?" And she replied with:"I don't want you to turn into a bad person or something like that...". Seriously? Bad person? She acts as if I did something illegal. I got kinda annoyed and replied with:"Then, what should I do? Cry over Dara? Should I be sad because she doesn't have any intetion to date me?". To be honest, I'm in that mood in which I am lying to myself about my feelings so much so that I am starting to believe it. Of course my heart is still telling me that I love Dara, that I am sad for upsetting her but my brain tells me that I should stop caring about her, and I am trying to listen to my brain, not my heart. Because it is the best option right now. Ira texted me back and said:"You actually shouldn't have done it with someone you're not dating". I feel kinda judged for it, but I don't wanna start regreting anything again, so I am trying my thoughts to go any further and I just replied with:"It's too late to change that now...you know". I know that Ira is right, but the reality is that I can't change anything. Yes, I could just not do that again. And this is most likely what is going to happen. I don't think Dara will want to talk to me again anyway. And okay, let's suppose that she will talk to me again. Well, I will. But just talk. Nothing more. Never. Even if I could take revenge and use her, it's not worth it. I can survive without sex. Dara doesn't deserve anything more from me, after all. I put my phone on silent and I went back to sleep. I was feeling tired and kinda triggered, so I all I wanted now was to sleep.