Undercover

Chapter 11

I don't know how, but I fell asleep. I realized this only when I woke up. However, when I woke up, I had a strangely  strong feeling of guilt. I was feeling guilty of the way that I spoke with Dara. I was too rude with her. After all, I had no idea who to believe or what to believe. Was Ira right? Or was she just paranoic or maybe even jealous? I don't really see Dara the type of person to simply use someone, to be honest. But it could be just because of my feelings for her. You know, when, you're in love, you see your lover flawless. I should give my friendship with Dara another chance. But I must accept the fact that we are just friends. Anyway, I should text her now, but...what if she doesn't want to reply to me anymore? What if she is mad at me and she will never forgive me? What if she hates me? What if I messed up everything?! Ugh...my mind is full of pesimistic thoughts right now. Or maybe, realistic thoughts. I deserve her to feel this way about me after what I said to her. However, I took my time and I wrote a long text, which sounded just like this:"Hey, Dara. I can understand if you are mad at me but I really want to apologize. I am so sorry for the way that I spoke with you earlier. I swear I didn't mean it. I know you are not like that. I don't know what was in my mind. I am just a stupid child. I don't want our friendship to end this way. But you are totally right if you want to end it here. I deserve it. I don't deserve you. But, the thing is, to you, I may be just a friend/ friend with benefits, but to me, you are more than that. Every little thing that we did made me fall in love with you. I am probably a fool to feel this way, but I love you. I love you more than just a friend. I fell deeply in love with you and knowing that you don't feel the same way about me, doesn't feel good to me. But of course, you would never date a child like me, I know it. I should be thankful that you took your time to talk to me, I should have never wanted more. But I can't control my feelings. I am in love...with you. I know you may not answer to me but I hope you at least read it.". I was about to send it, but I read it once again, and I just didn't have the courage to confess my feelings towards her, so I deleted that part and I sent it like that: "Hey, Dara. I can understand if you are mad at me but I really want to apologize. I am so sorry for the way that I spoke with you earlier. I swear I didn't mean it. I know you are not like that. I don't know what was in my mind. I am just a stupid child. I don't want our friendship to end this way. But you are totally right if you want to end it here. I deserve it. I don't deserve you. I know you may not answer to me but I hope you at least read it.". 
I am so confused now. A part of me regrets the fact that I didn't tell my feelings to her, but another part of me thinks that it is better this way. Anyway, she replied. Wow. I didn't expect it. And she replied kinda quick, saying:"I don't know if I should forgive you for this. Your words really hurt me. I thought you were different. I thought you knew me better.". I replied with:"I understand...". Damn, I messed everything up. I hate myself. Now Dara will never talk to me again, I know it. However, she sent a reply:"You don't even realize how you made me feel, Kris, do you? You called me desperate for sex, do you really think that I am a slut? Seriously...". I really don't know what to say anymore. I know that I made a big mistake saying what I said, I know I didn't mean it to sound this way, but how can I fix it? I need time. My brain can't process everything in an instance right now, so I sent only a "No...". Then, she replied with:"Then I think you should know that I did it with you, for you. I wanted to make you feel good, I wanted to let you try anything you wanted with me because you were my friend and I trusted you with that. If I  had really wanted just sex, I could have just found  anybody else for this, not a virgin 15 year-old boy. And tbh, you're not even so good at it, I hope you know that I faked feeling pleasure most of the time. So if I had really wanted 'just sex', I wouldn't have bothered to do it with you again." Okay, wow. This last text is just...wow. Besides the fact that I was basically told that I am horrible at it, I realized she is right. How could I have been so stupid to think she used me? It's all because of Ira. Or no, I am just making silly excuses. It is just because of my naivity. Anyway, I said:"I understand it now. I have already apologized. I regret what I said. What else should I do? I know you have the right to hate me though but, I don't want our friendship to end because of my silly mind". It took her longer to reply this time and I was already thinking of how much she must hate me. I was so angry with myself right now. However, she replied with:"Look, Kris, I will forgive you this time. If you want to talk face-to-face, come to my room tonight after 9 p.m. Okay?" . I said "Ok" and this is how this conversation ended. I will feel so embarassed and guilty when I will talk to her. I don't know how I can make it, but I have to. I don't wanna lose her. There is one more thing in my mind: am I so terrible in bed? Anyway, I need to empty my mind for now and focus on something else, so I opened youtube and I started to watch random videos until the time when I meet her comes.