Gang Leaders Girl is Back In Town

Back in town// I really need to think over.

Back in town// I really need to think over.

 I went through all my old writing today- from before Asher broke my heart, and my God, I was naive.  I believed that grief was portrayed as staring out windows while it rains- by screaming and punching walls in bouts of pain. I believed that looking into someone's eyes would one day make it all go away, that suddenly my old self would come back to stay.  But here's the thing, I'm no longer naive.  I know that grief is the inability to get out of bed in the morning and making dark jokes just so no one looks at you like you're broken. I know that grief is tear stained pillows and blankets that never get folded. Grief is not fixed in a month by looking into a person's eyes. Because it's been four God Damn years and his eyes still make it better when I wish it wasn't that easy. I  actually wish I was my characters from my stories. I wish I could punch a wall and kiss my lover to make it all go away. But I'm not written on black and white pages, and I know I'll be stuck on him for ages.   

It's been four fucking years, yet I still can't bring myself to accept the fact that he no longer wants me. The fact that he think's I'm still to much to handle. 

I'd spoken to my parents and sisters, turns out, they had no idea that Asher, Stephen, and the guys left with my kids. They had already tucked them away into bed at that point. So here we were, back at their house.

"You ever miss the past?" Tyler asked, squatting down besides me as we watched my parents and Cameron play with the twins.

"What do you mean?" I asked her curiously as she rubbed her seven month pregnant belly. 

"You know...Being young and innocent, the only care in the world being what cartoon is on today. Being naive enough to think you'd grow up and always be happy and never worry about a damn thing. Watching all the adults in your life, thinking they were perfect, that they'd never go away. I mean, yea dad wasn't around, but mom and grandma always were. And Aunt Cheryl." 

"Yeah, but I also like seeing them get to experience that. I know exactly how mom felt and when you have a baby, Ty, it's an indescribable feeling of happiness."  I laughed weakly.

"So that's real?"

"What?" I cocked an eyebrow and she let out a giggle.

"The bond between mother and child. I always thought the adults were over dramatizing it."

I shook my head, "Yes, god yes. I thought everyone exaggerated it too, even up till the day I went into labor. But let me tell you, it's real. I mean the moment you get to look at your baby for the first time, you don't care about anything else. Literally. And the second you hold them, you know you'd do anything in the world to protect them. I mean, the way their tiny fingers wrap around your pinky for the first time is something you will never experience again. Lucky for me, I got that times two."

"How did it feel during the birth? I mean, not the pain or anything just like...emotionally. Since we weren't there."

"It was hard," I admitted, "All I wanted was you and Cameron by my side, and all I wanted when they were first born was mom's guidance. I was eighteen, with not one but two newborn babies with the help of two guys who knew just as much as me; nothing." I laughed lightly. 

"Who was born first?" She seemed genieunly curious.

"Theo was born four minutes before Gabe  was." I said and Theodore stuck his tongue out at his brother. I cracked a grin, "They both had these grins on their faces, a shit eating grin like they were going to be the bane yet my reason for my existence. The doctor's said they'd never seen it before." 

Mom spoke up with a small smile, "What did they look like?" 

"Well, Theodore's smile was as sweet as a summer strawberry and filled me with a sunshine I never knew existed in the world. With Gabriel it was like- the purest form of innocence... impartial, a power to enter the hearts of many." I smiled remembering the first time I held my boys. 

"Hey, honey?" Dad asked.

"Yes, father?" I said mockingly and he rolled his eyes.

"When are you guys going back?" 

The question triggered everyone else's input and everyone was encouraging me to stay, Tyler was saying how great it would be if I could be there to help her during her labor, both she and Cameron wanted me to stay to be in their weddings, everyone overall just claims to miss me more than words could explain. 

It really got me thinking, I mean, I don't have anything to go back to London for. Our belongings, yes. But I could easily buy everything from them and just sell my house, furniture included. Or I can give Carlos the house to stay in with Christian, right now they're living in a shabby broken down apartment. 

And the kids can easily transfer schools, they're a little ahead so they'd be enrolled in preschool, and they'd be able to make more friends. They really like it here, they like being around their family. I mean they're only three, almost four so it doesn't make much of a difference to them. The only affect it'd have on them would be the fact that they wouldn't be around Carlos, Christian and Stephan as much. 

Shit, this will hit Stephan and the guys hard. They've been there since day one with the twins, it's going to hurt them not being around them. Then again, they visit the states a lot...And if Asher wants to be involved with the twins it'll be easier...

Damn, this is something I really need to think over. And fast.