"Ph-Phil?" I asked, walking slowly towards him. I crouched down next to him and put my hand on his cheek.
Cold.
Tears were forming in my eyes and I felt the thick droplets spill onto my cheeks. I was sobbing. Hard.
I touched his neck in an attempt to find a pulse and after about 5 minutes of trying I found one.
"OH MY GOD," I shouted in a relief. My eyes scanned the room. There was a note, labelled,
'To Dan and (y/n)'
I tucked it into my pocket and ran as fast as I could to Dan.
"DAN!" I ran around and couldn't see him in the rooms. "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?!" I ran downstairs and somehow I wasn't shrieking. I heard someone emerge from the living room.
"OH MY GOSH DAN-" I shouted running up to him. He clearly saw my face dripping with tears and a look of concern spread across him.
"What? What is it, (y/n)?"
"IT'S PHIL- HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF AND HE'S IN THE BATHRO-"
"What?!" He yelled, running upstairs. Soon enough he was in the same position kneeling over him as I was not long ago. I got my phone from my pocket and dialled 999. As I spoke to the woman through the phone who calmly informed me that an ambulance would be on it's way, I saw Dan lying next Phil with his head on Phil's stomach. His eyes were puffy and I crouched down next to Dan pulling my legs to my chest.
"W-why?" Is all he could mutter out, and I could really tell if it was to me or to himself. My mascara was smudged, my hands shaking. I didn't care, but Dan gripped onto my hand for what little comfort he could grasp.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"Uhm... I'll go down, you stay here with Phil," I said. Dan had been friends with him much longer than I had so it made sense.
I ran down the stairs and tripped over my foot at one time since my vision was blurry. As I reached the ground landing I rubbed my eyes so I could see the paramedics when they came in, but ended up rubbing it a bit too hard so that I could see red spots.
"Where is Phil Lester?" A team of people trooped in once I opened the door.
"Two flights up, first door on your right," I informed, keeping surprisingly cool. I ran up after them, and found they had a stretcher they were putting Phil onto, horizontally. Dan was crouched in the corner burying his face in his jeans.
Once they had put him into the ambulance Dan stepped inside and I was about to follow when a tall greasy haired man stepped in front of me. He had pale skin and was wearing a uniform that was far too small for himself.
"I'm sorry, m'am, but only one person is allowed to travel with the patient," He said. I looked over at Dan and saw him gripping onto Phil's hand facing down, with his eyes shut.
I immediately stepped off of the ambulance and stood watching it leave. I couldn't not have left Dan to go with them and turn the corner.
I ran.
I was in a shirt and it was 10 degrees celsius out. It was 1:01am, but I couldn't care less. The wind blew quickly past my ears making an overpowering sound in my ears. The muffled sounds of a man shouting,
"Whatcha doin' up this late darlin'? Need a ride?" And "Nice legs!"
Shut the fuck up, I have far from nice legs.
I was shaking. Crying. I was lost. I went down an alleyway and sat down. The hazy yellow street lamp lit it up, but barely. I took the note Phil left from my pocket.
What the heck is wrong with me? I should have given it to Dan.
I opened it up and began reading;
'To Dan and (y/n)
Firstly, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry. But I could not take it anymore. I walk through the streets, I see people holding hands. I go downstairs in my own apartment and see Dan and (y/n) cuddling. I scroll through the channels; 'Romeo and Juliet', 'Titanic', 'LaLaLand'. I can't escape it. Romance is everywhere.
I try to get a break from third-wheeling. I go to Louise, and see her husband. I go to Pewdiepie, I see Marzia. EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE. Except of course, me.
I'm alone.
But at least when I'm dead I won't feel much. I'll be an angel by then, and I'll be a lot happier. Thank you, (y/n) and Dan. You made my 30 years of living feel like 100.'
Hot tears spilt down my cheeks. So it was me?
GODDAMMIT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? IF I HADN'T STUMBLED INTO DAN IN THE MOST CLICHE WAY POSSIBLE HIS BEST FRIEND WOULD STILL BE SAFE AND HAPPY.
Before I knew it I had gotten up. My legs were carrying me somewhere, and once again my vision was a blur. Can't I just start again? I don't want to harm anyone. I don't want to make anyone feel that way.
Dan can find someone else.
Someone who didn't cause his best friend to attempt suicide. He can forget about me. After all, people come and go? I'm just another phase in his life. Someone will always be better out there. Someone more flawless. More picture perfect.
I stopped running and rubbed my eyes. My surroundings had changed. I was now on the roof of a building about 5 blocks from the alleyway I was previously in. I was by the edge, I could look down and see an empty road and the heads of drunk friends swarming towards various clubs and bars as if they were moths to a flame.
I opened my arms. I couldn't feel them anymore, they were numb from the cold. My muscles relaxed and I fell forward. I felt the feeling of butterflies in my stomach as I fell, and the windows of buildings blurred past my vision. People were pointing, staring.
But just as I approached what seemed to be a red car about to smash into my back, I realised one thing.
Dan.
~
