No One Else Like You

(25) JUICE

Thing about men is..

When they have you, they don't really put in efforts.

And by having you, I don't mean sex. I personally don't believe that all men are that desperate for sex that once they get laid they just leave.

That's not true.

At least not for all of them.

By having means when they know they are the centre of your world. Or maybe that's overestimating. But you know just when they are confident that you don't want to leave them, trust me you will start noticing small changes.

Or it's the other way round. Maybe they just realise that behind the sweet, good smelling little female is a large demon that over thinks and needs attention all the time.

I didn't notice anything like that with Aman though. Not the demon part, I am sure that's exactly how he thinks.

I say this part to Rhea, my best friend and she laughs, "demon? Then why is he asking you to move in ?"

"Because I am carrying his child?"

"Oh, right. Don't you have other family and friends to live with ? What about me? And you agreed so readily...Both of you are so egoistic! Just get out the words!"

"It's not that simple," I reply.

"Anything can be simple if you want it to be, babe," she says. "You are such a bitch though. You think he doesn't care about you but you are so scared to tell him that you missed the test." I had missed my blood test that I was scheduled to take for a routine check up. But yesterday was exhausting and I had to pack to go to Aman's place. So I overslept.

"It means you know he cares so he will be disappointed and scold you."

"Rhea, please! He won't. He is busy with his own stuff, my check ups are the last thing on his mind."

"Then tell him. Why did you lie to him?"

"Buzz off."

She laughs. "Alright, I am still in love with him." I reply.

As we hang up, I also told her that I plan to talk to Aman tonight. She got so happy.

Now I am at Aman's new place. Its basically a floor above his new office. Its very charming though. Aman is quite specific about interiors, he's not the kind of guy who just gets whatever stuff around.

As I enter his room where he is working, smell of vanilla essence fills the room.

"Mira, you okay?" My face is probably flushed red because it is very difficult for me to talk about it.
Which is why I wrote him a letter.

Call me pathetic but writing is the best way I express myself. And I don't mean text messages, those are where I screw up the most.

"Yeah, I am okay." I say and then I keep standing. "Nice room."

"Alright, what happened?" He gets that I am upto something. He can always tell.

"Here," I hand him the piece of paper. And then I leave immediately.

First of all, I am sorry for choosing an ancient way to communicate with you. But this was how I can say what I want the best.

I love you.

Lets start with this.

Ever since I have separated from you, I have been so miserable.
But I want you. You are all I want. I am sorry. You were right. I got scared. There was no finding peace of mind by separating from you. I should have stayed. I should have expressed myself fully.

I let my worries and fears cloud over me. It was not just you and you being busy and your lies that created doubts in my mind. Although those played a role no doubt.

But it was me. I didn't believe in myself. I had created my own fears. I was just constantly afraid that I will get hurt easily because I got hurt so many times before by so many people.

It's like learning to ride a bicycle and falling off it again and again so you just develop a fear of riding a bicycle. Not everyone do that but some do and I am one of them.

My fears played a major role in ruining our beautiful marriage.

Not the entire role but a big one sure.

You see Aman. I know I will cry a thousand days if you reject me now but I also know that if you choose to leave me then one morning will come when I'll wake up and I won't be sad anymore.

I accept myself now. I believe in myself now. I can take care of this baby on my own too, sure it will be difficult but many women do it and I am a financially stable, independent woman. With a loving family to help me out.

But I am choosing you. Like you chose me. But the thing that we have between us is so special. I don't think it could be thaat easy to find it anywhere else.

Even if I can. I don't want to. Because its your eyes that I want to wake up to every morning.

It's your hair, I want to touch. You are the one I want to look beautiful for and you are the one I want to fight about clothes with.

You are the one I want to visit all my favorite places with but I want to visit all of yours too.

I want to raise this kid with you. I want this kid to know his or her amazing father. The father who is devoted to family, so patient and humorous. You will probably keep this baby smiling although I imagine you being a bit strict as well.

The father with the best ideas although with little will to execute those ideas but I have always believed in you and look where you are now.

I know I hurt you when I asked for a divorce and I am sorry.

Hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

**

I waited for thirty minutes before I heard him get out of the room. My heart beats were definitely audible to the entire building.

He finally came.

**