A Voyage Within Qalb

Chapter 13: Blurring The Lines

19th April, 2020

"Abu Hurairah narrated: that the Prophet said: 'When you pay the Zakat you have fulfilled what is required of you.'" Reference: Tirmidhi

Chapter 13:

Blurring The Lines

"I did it." Samir said, a sullen expression settling over his face as he dropped into his chair. "I asked her to marry me."

"What did she say?" Laeeq asked, as Joseph looked up from the book he was reading.

"Nothing." Samir replied.

"What does that mean?" Joseph wondered, closing the book he held.

"What's with the sour mood?" Laeeq questioned. "This is what you wanted, right?"

"Yeah, she didn't say no, but didn't say yes either." Samir told them, and Laeeq almost detected a different kind of hurt behind his words.

"This is what you were supposed to expect, Samir." Laeeq spoke.

"It's just not how I imagined it would be." Samir said after a while. "With the reaction I got, I felt like I was completing a formality, not asking the woman I love to marry me. It was like... That feeling when you think it's going to rain after years, but it doesn't."

"Let go of the worry, you've prayed Istikhaara and gotten a green signal. You've told her everything you wanted-- I mean, everything you can." Laeeq advised. "Whatever happens will be for the best."

"Are you actually disappointed?" Joseph asked in concern.

"No, Alhamdulillah." Samir sighed. "Her reactions always had this effect on me. I'm fine, I'll be better when she agrees though."

Laeeq regarded him for a few seconds before nodding. Deciding to return a book from the library, he walked out of their office. The word 'love' always left a bitter taste on his tongue. He was done with scurrying through those dark tunnels. There was a time when he truly believed in its magic, a time when all its definitions made sense.

And the moment he believed in it, she had taken it away with her in the blink of an eye. One day she was right there in front of him, and the next she was gone. And he hadn't found the courage to trust himself ever again.

It had taken him months to start healing, they were long and agonising. He felt ill every time he thought about it, all those words and feelings he had wasted, haunted him to no end. Sometimes, when his heart decided to experiment, he found himself scared out of his wits. But even if the same old feelings surfaced, he knew he would never go down that path.

Until he was struggling not to blur the lines again.

At first, the fact that Leila Muhammad was on his mind more than necessary bothered him. He felt like someone had intruded his space. It all started that fateful day when he had seen her outside, climbing down from an ambulance. He didn't know what it was, she stood out to him from the sea of faces he saw everyday. Almost like a strange light that sent its warmth straight to his heart.

She had been around for a long time after that, he had seen her around the hospital. All she did was speak gently to those around her, carry a smile he couldn't forget, and leave a trail of intelligence wherever she visited. He even heard that she had befriended one of the cleaning ladies, and it seemed almost surreal that she thought it was normal. Laeeq had never really bothered about them, it kind of made him feel self conscious. It made him question his principles.