We Know Better

Thankful

My sister and I are sitting on the couch next to each other with a couple of our younger cousins. One of them is on my on my other side while I am showing my sister something funny on my phone when Brendon's face pops up on my screen. I am shocked to see him calling and a little embarrassed that my phone is in full view of everyone.

"Laina, is that your boyfriend," my cousin asks me with excitement and I quickly tell her no as I move to get up.

I swipe my finger across the screen to open it as I make a quick exit from the busy room. As I go, I hear my father say something about me not leaving, but I hear my sister say something to him in my defense. He was not going to be able to stop me anyway. I hate the way my heart is pounding, a mixture of elation and nervousness, as I put the phone to my ear.

"Hello," I say a little too quickly.

"Hey Laines, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing as okay as I can with all of these people here," I tell him honestly.

"Well that's as much as I can hope for," he laughs and then says, "I miss you."

My eyes flutter closed for a moment as I take in just how powerfully content I am to hear those words come out of my mouth. I take a deep breath and it feels so refreshing before I reply, "I miss you, too."

"I've gotten used to seeing you everyday, it's been weird going this whole week without you. I'm going mad without my Laines," he says with mock hysteria.

I laugh at him a little too loud and tell him, "I'm sorry."

After a chuckle of his own he says, "I didn't call you to have you apologize to me, Laina."

"Oh? Then why did you call me."

"Because my mom told me that I should tell people when I am thankful for them, especially on Thanksgiving. Even after I told her that this racist holiday is celebrating colonizers who fucked over and murdered the very people who showed them kindness, but I digress."

I assent my agreement, I've had to hold my tongue all day about that very thing, and then ask, "So why are you calling me?"

He snorts at me and I can just see him rolling his eyes on the other side of the phone, "Because, I am thankful for you. All of the time, I am thankful for you."

My heart swells and I am actually happy he is not here right now so that he can't see the blush painting my face or the way that my hand is clutching my chest right over my heart. I bite my lip and then respond, "Thank you Brendon, that means a lot and I'm so thankful for you too."

I hear the smile in his voice when he says, "I just wanted you to know that, and also that I am thinking about you. I have to go now, but I'll see you soon. There is no way I am waiting until Monday."

I giggle and it sounds too pitchy in my ears before telling him, "Okay, I'll see you Brendon."

"I'll see you Laines," and then we hang up.

I feel warm and giddy. My eyes roll at how ridiculous I am. As I turn back to head towards the family room where everyone is gathered, I spot my sister leaning against the stairwell giving me a knowing look before pushing off and walking to me.

"You sure he's not a boyfriend," she laughs, "come on, let's go for a walk."

It's a little chilly outside but it is nice to be away from everyone. It felt so stuffy and constricting. We walk for only a few moments in silence before she asks me to tell her about him. I do my best to give her the short of it, but it is hard to let her know exactly what he means to me. I cannot tell her every little thing that he has done or that we have shared that has made me fall for him. I do not think that I would really be able to pinpoint them all anyway. Of course I tell her about Michelle and how unfailingly nice she's been; even knowing what she knows.

My sister is quiet for a moment and then asks, "are you happy?"

I am confused because it seems so obvious that he makes me happy. She picks up on my confusion and revises her question and this time I understand, but I am not sure of the answer.

"Are you happy in the situation you're in with him?"

I want to say yes because saying no makes me feel like I am blaming him. I do not know what to say. If the choice was between things continuing like they are or him not being in my life, I would take this in a heartbeat. But I know that this is not exactly how I have come to dream of our relationship being. Still, that is not his fault.

"It is not about who is at fault. It is about making sure that you are happy. I understand he is with someone and I'm not telling you to try to break them up or anything, but maybe you need some distance. I know it's hard baby," she wraps her arm around me and kisses the top of my head. "From what you told me, I don't think he'd want you feeling bad especially if he is the reason."

I do not say anything, instead I stay trapped in my own thoughts.

The rest of the day passes like most years. I have to fend off the questions about my future and whether I have a boyfriend; no one asks about a girlfriend since everyone assumes I am straight and I am not interested in starting a war over my sexuality, especially not with my father who would be sure to disown me. I try eating until I am stuffed like everyone else, but my uncle and my father make comments about my fitness and weight so I find that my appetite has tapered off.

After I clean up the kitchen after dinner - an undertaking that lasts just under two hours - I slink away to my room, finally, for some peace and quiet. As I lay on my back staring at the ceiling, feeling low, I flick through my phone. During my peruse, a message pops up and it's from Brendon. I cannot say that I am surprised but I'm happy until I think of the conversation I had with my sister earlier.

It reads, "Capitalism is a prison, do you want to come with me and my family Black Friday shopping tomorrow?"

I cannot help but laugh as I type out my reply, "you guys don't take advantage of the Thursday deals?"

He does not make me wait long, "That, apparently, is a step too far. Besides, Black Friday isn't quite as competitive out here as it is in the cities."

He is right of course. The majority of our town and the next one over is upper white class who do not really see the point of holiday sales. The rest of us are solidly middle class and below, so it's only an event for the smaller portion of us. I contemplate the idea and I think about the fact that I've never gone out Black Friday shopping. My mom refuses to based on principle. I wonder why he is asking me instead of Cal or Cooper. As I am over thinking it he sends another message.

"It's more for me than you. I understand if you don't wanna."

With those words I immediately agree. Part of me wonders if it is weak of me to cave so quickly, but then I think why should I be "fighting" him. That is the last thing I would ever want to do. I sigh heavily, drop my phone on the bed next to me, and throw my arm over my eyes with frustration. I just do not know what to do about anything.