We Know Better

Gunshot

    There are only a few people here and I feel a little relieved that it is not a big function. When his friends see him they all grin real wide and greet him; a couple even get up to hug him. He introduces me with a smile as he puts his arm around my shoulder. I offer a little wave to everyone as I feel myself shrink into my body, and into him. I wish I could say that I belong here next to him, relying on him for comfort and reassurance, but it would just be a fantasy.

Within the moment, Michelle enters from what looks like the kitchen. Her face brightens as she looks at us and I want to feel happy to see her, but my stomach is turning anxiously. She makes her way over to us and Brendon lets his arm slip from me so that he can embrace her. They share a small kiss that I look away from. When she is done with him, she turns on me with the same bright expression. She wraps me up in a hug and her hair smells like strawberries.

"You guys are just in time. I was about to go smoke. Come with?

I look to Brendon, because we both know I am not going let him separate from me tonight. He sends me a small reassuring smile and then tells her that we will come out with her. As she leads us out to the backyard, she is talking animatedly about something that happened before we got here. For the most part, I tune her out because I do not know the people she is talking about and my mind will not shut up.

Outside, we sit on a hip high wall. Well it is hip high for them, but I have to do a little bit of a jump to get onto it since I am smaller than both of them. I am sitting between them and trying not to focus on that fact. I stay quiet as she lights her blunt, takes a drag, and then offers it to Brendon who takes it. I watch his lips wrap around it and my chest feels fuzzy.

He hesitates before handing it back to Michelle, holding it in front of me, "do you wanna?"

As I look at it contemplating, Michelle echoes his question. I bite my lip and then I nod. My tolerance for alcohol has proven to be high so I figure it is probably similar for weed too. He looks a little shocked but gives it to me nonetheless. I put my lips where his had been just a few seconds ago and breathe in just as he tells me to. When I start coughing he tells me I breathed too hard.

I let Michelle gently slip it from my fingers as I start to double over and a fire spreads in my chest. His hand tenderly soothes over my back as I try to pull it together. Michelle does something similar on my thigh. Each time I breathe in I can feel the burn and I swallow profusely in an effort to quench the heat. I try to breathe through my nose and it helps a little bit. There are a few tears leaking from the sides of my eyes, but it is gradually lessening. As I finally straighten, I am still focused on suppressing the urge to cough by holding them in.

"It's okay, it still even happens to me sometimes," Michelle reassures.

"Yeah for real, don't feel embarrassed," Brendon tells me.

I nod, but say nothing because I am still focused on swallowing. They move on and return to passing it back and forth between them, and after a few more minutes I am good. Brendon asks me if I am okay by softly touching my wrist and when I make eye contact with him I nod to tell him yes. Michelle takes a more direct approach and touches my arm to get my attention.

When I turn to her she asks, "your chest feel better?" I nod and she continues, "if you still want to smoke there are some more gentle ways." Hesitantly, I nod and earn a bright smile from her. "Okay, cool," then she turns to Brendon who has the blunt in his hand, "Brendon, shotgun her."

He looks over at her a little shocked, so I turn to her for an explanation. She smiles at us both looking unaffected and I wonder why he reacted that way. Her gaze focuses on me and I see it soften a bit when she sees the little bit of worry that has crept onto my facial expression. She touches my thigh again as she starts to explain.