Despair

fifty-eight

❝ you made me feel as though
i was enough  ❞

*    *    *

justin tries once more to dial selena's number, waiting for her to pick up the call.

she doesn't.

if she had, she would've been warned that he was outside of her house. knocking on the door, he hears movement on the other side.

justin never believed in 'love at first sight' theory, but seeing selena for the first time after two weeks, his heart beat speeds up whilst his breathing hitches in his throat, mention of love the first thing in his thoughts.

he loved her, that was undeniable.

seeing him, she almost slams the door in his face. she nearly did, but justin had intervened. he retraces his foot from the threshold, bringing it out of the pathway to the house.

she couldn't bare to face him, let alone look into his eyes.

"selena, i am so, so sorry," he croaks, blinking away the tears.

silence lingers as selena tries to brace herself to look at him. but she couldn't. "what do you want?" she finally asks, her throat sore from all the crying she had done previously.

"i need to speak to you. baby, i can't do this silence anymore. it's –"

"stop," she cuts him off. "don't call me that." she nearly screamed, but held herself back. despite the scenarios she made in her head if justin ever came to visit, all the words she planned didn't do justice.

"lets go inside," he proposes, looking around the premises in case of hidden paparazzi. selena agrees, only because she doesn't want this encounter to get out. she knew in her heart she never would be able to say no to him.

as soon as they're inside, selena starts on him. "what is it, justin?" maybe it was the curiosity that made her want to hear what he had to say, or maybe it was because she was hoping it is a good enough excuse to forgive him.

"please, forgive me. you don't know how much it hurts me because of what i done to you, because of what i done." he stands there, trying to think of better words to use, but there was none. he could never make up an excuse to why he cheated.

"that's all? you come in here and say you feel bad?" she scoffs, turning her back to him.

"please, baby. i love you. i knew when we was together you was so damn happy, so was i. there was so many nights where i would fall asleep with a smile on my face. i can't throw away what we had. i love you. i'm sorry."

"just get out!" selena screams as tears stream down her sullen face, tears she was struggling to keep back, turning to justin. "get out," she squeaks hopelessly, her heart burning in ache.

"i love you, selena, isn't that enough?" he screams back.

"no, justin! three words you don't mean isn't going to fix me, a broken plate."

"i meant it! i mean it! i love you! i love you," he speaks more quietly, "how many times do i have to say it for you to believe me? you make something burn inside of me, and without the ignition and the spark to start it up, i'm nothing. you're that spark, you're the ignition inside of me! i can't do this life without you by my side."

"i know, justin. but you don't understand is that i can't always lean on you, when your side of the table is wobbly, too. you go live your life justin. i'll always love you, but i can't keep you back. i am holding you back, you can't lie anymore. i can't do this anymore."

he steps forward, trying to grab hold of his fragile girl he loved so deeply, but she pushes back, not losing this battle, even if it killed her. "go, justin," she sobbed, her words burning her own heart. he backs away, flabbergasted.

but he knew one thing, he couldn't let her go, not like this. moving swiftly to his love, he leans into a kiss, where she kisses back, slow and passionate. as the kiss deepens, selena pushes him away, knowing where this was leading, and had to put a stop to it. "just go!" she cried. "go, go, go!" she pushes him harder, hitting him with a fist after, again, again and again.

"why are you doing this?" justin finally had strength over his voice. "i love you, and i'll fight anything to save us. i love you."

"stop lying with those words; actions speak louder. you cheated! do you not know the excruciating pain you've put me through? i love you, too, justin, but i can't do this. before it was all butterflies, but ever since that night, the night you kissed her, it hasn't been the same, and i don't think it ever will be."

by the more fits of tantrum and cry, justin finally leaves the room, shock finally hitting him.

he just lost his purpose that strived him to get up in the morning and live, and he didn't know if it was ever possible to get her back.

* * *

a humming noise from justin's phone finally comes to a stop once the female operator says selena is currently unavailable, in which he's heard a thousand time.

"what have i done?" he questions, sobbing.

he wipes away the falling tears, deciding that he should call selena again, which fails.

the operator's voice comes up again, and immediately justin hangs up the call, throwing his phone across the room.

that night, when justin was screaming at his phone and sobbing for his actions, was the night he called last.