Despair

thirty-eight

❝ if i had the world in my hands,
i'd give it all to ya ❞

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selena's p.o.v.

it's nothing, i try to reassure myself, trying to calm my breathing. it's nothing, selena.

justin was meant to be meeting me at my house, and here he's meant to tell me whatever he wants. but what i'm more worried about is that i just realised i like him, i don't need him to come here and break the news about him and hailey dating. i simply cannot stand that.

the only reason i accepted was to hear it for myself: "i am dating hailey baldwin." hearing this will finally feel like closure, then i can continue on my life.

oh, i'm being stupid. that's not what i want to hear, nor that's why i accepted to meet him.

i accepted to meet him simply because i wanted to see him. that's not bad, is it?

i was so frantic about the scenario that was about to go down that i didn't hear the buzzer go off for the gate that guarded my house.

swiftly going to the buzzer, i push down on the button to be heard on the outside buzzer. "hello?" i speak into the mic.

"sel? it's justin," he replies in the buzzer so cooly.

"uh –" before i could embarrass myself i stop myself from speaking by pushing the button that opens the gate. i could hear it rattle open from in here.

i was already by the front door, anxiously waiting for him to knock on the door. and when he did, my heart beat accelerated to the unhealthy level.

bringing my shaky hand to the door handle, i swing it open, revealing justin on the other side. he had a smile on his pink lips, and i just could imagine our lips together. my breath hitched in my throat and for a second i had forgotten how to breathe.

but i couldn't allow him to have this much power over me anymore. he was now dating hailey, and i'm not planning to break them up anytime soon.

"hey," he greets me easily, the stupid smile on his lips growing by the second. i couldn't handle this.

"h – hi," i stutter. i could feel my heart trying to jump out of my chest.

his smile falters a little, but it was still there. why was it now that i was paying intense attention to his kissable lips?

"can i come in?" he asks, his voice playful. he chuckles at my hostility.

"yeah, sure."

we walk into the kitchen. there was so much tension between him and i that's not normally there, i didn't know if it was one-sided.

"what was it that you needed to talk about?" i ask immediately, wanting the thick air between us to be gone.

however, me asking this question only made him take a big sigh – a stressed sigh. he was breaking the news about him and hailey isn't he?

"gosh, selena, stop staring at me like that," justin finally says, exhaling a big breath after, looking anywhere but my stare.

i look away, ashamed that he caught me staring at him. "okay," he breathes out, like what he's about to say was causing so much stress and he's trying to get the weight off his shoulders.

"this is so awkward," he mumbles mostly to himself, "but, as you know, i'm not the most romantic person out there, sel. i'm just going to say it straight up: selena, i like you. like, like-like you, not like you as a friend. did that even makes sense? probably not. but what i'm trying to say is that i like you more than a friend, selena, and i am not trying to force you to like me back, or whatever. i just needed to tell you, because – because, i don't know, something urges inside of me – and call me crazy – to call you my girlfriend."

he stood there, rambling about god knows what. all that kept twirling around my head were his words "i like you." it kept repeating itself in his voice in my head over, over and over again. my mouth had suddenly became too dry.

but wasn't he dating hailey?

i couldn't comprehend with anything he was saying, or trying to say, so i shook my head, sticking to my first plan: not break his and hailey's relationship.

"justin, i can't. i don't want to do ruin your new relationship. i'm sorry, i just – i don't want to be the reason you break up," i ramble on like justin had minutes before.

"what? what relationship?"

"i just don't think i'll ever forgive myself if i make you two break up. justin, you shouldn't have even came here, it was risky and stupid –"

"yeah. it was stupid," justin cuts me off. there was something prominent in his eyes: almost like hurt. like i had hurt him purposely when i only didn't want to break up his new found relationship.

there was something making my stomach flip over, do flips, knot together – anything to make me feel nauseated. he looked so hurt that it pained my heart too strongly, like there was a knife ripping it open to bleed. 

he stands there, his posture stiff, before he looks down at my kitchen floor. "you're right; this was so stupid. forget i ever said this," his voice was shaky that i thought he was crying.

before i could even glimpse at his face to see if he was in fact crying, he walks away, leaving me utterly lost. his hand moves to his face, wiping something away, which i couldn't see as he was facing the opposite way, walking away from me.

it pained me to realise that i had provoked something in him; that i provoked something in me. why was i feeling so hurt about all this? i had just saved a relationship, why am i like this?

the door slams, and i couldn't control myself next: i was sobbing in the middle of my kitchen.

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a/n;
hahaha, don't hate me !!¡ I'm in science and I am bored, so help me !! lol