Let's Try This Again / h.s

Chapter 30

Harry's POV

I didn't know what to say, the fact that I slept with my ex and I don't know if I have feelings for her or not. Or the fact that I'm standing in front of a painting that has my face on it, I don't know why I feel this way but I do.

It's like past is starting to repeat itself and I do not want to lose her but then again Kendall.

Everyone has left me in the room to see the painting more, truth be told I never had someone draw me on a canvas this big and I wonder what for I thought she agreed to us having space then why would she draw this of me?

Because she's in love with you moron!

My subconscious made me feel even guiltier for what happened between me and Kendall.

I don't know if I have feelings for her, I think I do but then at the same time I think I don't.

I don't know why I decided to look up but when I did I notice a figure at the door way, it's California. And she looks oh so beautiful, with her sweats and oversized tshirt and socks. She rubbed her eyes and looked at me and walked over to the painting with her back facing me.

"Hey shouldn't you be in bed it's midnight?" I asked.

She yawned and laughed softly, the same laugh that makes my heart skip a beat "I'll be ok, I had about 3 in a half hours of sleep" she yawned again.

I want to talk to her, but the fact that she has had 11 hours of sleep in total these past few days I can wait.

"I think you should head to bed-"

"Harry" she whispered and walked over to me kneeling in front of me.

"What is it?" she looked up at me with innocent eyes and those eyes made me feel like shit even more the way I did this behind her back this is unforgivable Harry.

Louis voice played in my head over and over again till I had to shake it away.

"I understand if you did something that will probably make me upset, but I just want to know now before this eats you alive" and yet when I have done something wrong she is still understanding, she is still willing to put herself before me while I put myself over some girl.

I had to tell her now before it's too late "I had sex with another girl" I whispered.

She looked down at her hands that rested upon her thighs as she was kneeling in front of me, she sat back on the back of her calves "with Kendall?" she asked.

I didn't say anything but nod, I was waiting for her to slap me, hit me, yell at me, do anything to prove she is angry with me. I don't want her to show me no emotion I want her to let it all out for once scream at me tell me I don't deserve you tell me I am never going to have someone like you.

"Okay" she whispered and looked up at me.

"What do you mean okay?" I looked up at her I couldn't read her face for once I couldn't read what she was thinking.

She stood up and stretched her body "I'm not going to scream at you Harry, I'm not going to walk away, I'm not going to hit you or tell you how much I hate you, I'm just tired to be honest" she walked over to the couch and sat down.

"I don't know why you had sex with her but it's probably a good reason on why you did, I mean" she smiled and looked up at me "I'm not her. I don't have a perfect body, or great hair. I go to therapy, and I manage to make all of my friends crazy because of how stubborn I am" she laughs probably thinking about the times she made her friends angry.

"But that's me, that's who I am" she whispered "and I'm proud of that. Yes I need to work on some things, and I'm sorry if I caused you pain and made you upset because I now know what it's like to be in pain. I'm not angry Harry, and believe me when I say I'm not. I guess I'm just embarrassed."

She folded her hands I walked over to the couch and sat next to her.

"How can you possibly ever feel embarrassed?" I asked her.

"Because" she laid her feet behind my back and rested her head on the arm stand "here I am in love with a boy for the first time in 21 years and for some reason we don't love each other enough to be together and fuck the bullshit, all the shit we go through together makes me crazy yes but it's our shit and I am happy dealing with it. You make me happy Harry you always have I don't want you think that you don't but lately I feel like I haven't done anything right to make you happy" she laughed to herself as she stared at the ceiling.

"I'm trying Cali I really am just things get thrown in our way that makes it hard for us..." I sigh.

"It's a sign..." she frowned "we shouldn't be together..."

"But Cali I can fix this..."

"I know Harry but then something will happen to make us not be together, your career is your life and your family and friends are part of your life as well... there is just no space for me but that's okay sometimes life doesn't have a happy fairy tale" she looked at me.

I didn't know what to say I was speechless "I think you should go" she whispers and gets off the couch.

"But Cali..." I walked up to her "why are you giving up?"

"I'm not giving up Harry, I'm just tired and to be honest I don't think you or the lads should be worrying about me anymore. I am okay really, just don't think I'm not going to be okay without you, but don't worry Harry I'll always love you."

She holds the door wide enough for me to walk out I grabbed her hand and made her look me in the eyes "I am not giving up on you, not now, not ever not tomorrow not the day after. You and I will be together and I will make sure of that, I made a mistake but mistakes are meant to be fixed and repaired and your right you can't fix something that is already broken, but you can bet your ass I will try to fix it. And make it better, this isn't the end of us California not by a long shot" and then it was her turn to be speechless.

I walk out the door and leave her house, I am not giving up on her.

She is happiness and who am I to throw away my happiness?