truth or dare // phan au

sixty-eight

dans pov
i feel...
empty.
i don't remember the last time i ate. i don't remember the last time i showered.
everyone, peej, my 'friends' and my parents- they all say how sorry they are, and how they know i'll get through it.
but.. i don't think i can.
i don't think i can make it through.
i haven't left my house, i don't go to school anymore.
i have a tutor though. she comes a few times a week, she always uses That Voice. y'know the one, the voice that people use when they know they should act like they feel your pain, but they can't. they will never understand how you feel. and its horrible.
it's eating me up inside. i don't know what to do anymore.
i just... sit... and think... about him...about everything we did together.
then i cry.
and cry.
and cry.
i remember when we met.
the party, at chris'.
the game of truth or dare, how he kissed me.
then i replay that memory over, and over, and over again.
until i cant take it anymore.
then i cry,
and cry,
and cry.
i think of the time at the lake, how he pulled me along through that forest... the way he looked at me... the way i looked at him.
i can remember every little detail, of everything we did.
i wish i didn't.
i want to forget.
i need to forget.
thats why i've been meeting up with jon, i meet him at a different party pj dragged me along to, a few weeks back, before all of this happened.
he gives me cigarettes and drugs with names i don't even know how to pronounce.
i know it's bad.
i know.
my parents are to afraid to tell me to stop smoking and shit, they think i want to kill myself, they don't want to push me over the edge.
but the thing is, i don't fucking care.
i don't.
i don't care about anything anymore.
i can't.
caring hurts.
caring is what got me into this huge fucking mess in the first place.
i wish that i disco care, back when peej asked me to go to the party with him. i wish that i had said no.
if i had done that, if i hadn't cared.
i would be okay.
i never would have met him.
i wouldn't hurt so damn much.
all i do is hurt.
yeah, sure, the drugs numb the pain, but only for a temporary amount of time.
i want the pain to stop.
now.
i just want to stop hurting.

a/n: jfc i love lin manuel miranda