Strings

Stef Foster

"No mama. I see it. I guess I just make bad choices sometimes."

"Well we can all do that. That's why therapy is so important to help you understand why, and to help you understand why you are making the choices you are baby.  But it's going to take alot of work on your part and mine. Do you think that is something you want to work on?"

"Yes. I want to do better and make better choices."

"I know you do, and I know you will." Wrapping my arms around her I hugged her hard as I felt her kiss the top of my head. "And I will always be here for you baby. Always. I'm not going anywhere. I love you my Stefanie Marie don't you ever forget."

"I won't. I love you too mama." I mumbled into her shirt.

FLASHBACK ENDS

As the weed I smoked and alcohol I drank consumed my body it numbed my feelings causing no tears to fall from my eyes at the memory. In fact I was pretty numb by this point as my mind felt dizzy, spacey and foggy the rock music in the background growing louder by the minute.

"Stef, telephone." Looking to the door I saw Jenna with the phone in her hand chugging a beer and judging by the annoyed look on her face I knew it was most likely Lena. The timing was the worst as I got up stumbling a bit and grabbing the phone from her trying to act like I wasn't high or drunk.

"Yeah?" I said into the phone.

"Stef?"

"Yeah. Hey, hey Lena." I said trying to focus hard on her voice as I felt Jenna standing right behind me and I pushed her away. Rolling her eyes she walked away as I took a seat again on the plastic patio chair.

"Why do you sound like that?" She asked and I knew she would catch on that I was drunk and high. It never took her long no matter how much I would deny it.

"What? What way?"

"You're drunk and high aren't you?"

"No. Why, why do you always think the worst of me. Huh? God."

"I don't think the worst of you Stef but I can clearly hear it in your voice. How much did you drink and how much pot did you smoke?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired." I barked back more annoyed then ever running my fingers through my hair.

"Yeah I doubt that. This is why I didn't want you staying with Jenna. Why couldn't you just listen to me and stay at my house. What was the big deal Stef I'm only trying to help you."

"Oh yeah. Helping me from 3000 miles away huh? By barking orders over the phone to just make yourself feel better." I knew I was being an ass and maybe on purpose.

"What? How could you even say that. You know that's not true and you know I didn't even want to go to Europe! You knew I wanted to be with you. You knew I wanted to be there for you and Callie."

"Yeah."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Being like what? Huh? What am I Being like Lena?"

"Like an ass. You're being really mean."

"Fine. If I'm so fucking mean then why do you talk to me? I'm sure there are nicer, nicer people there. Go find one of them."

With that I heard silence on the other end and I knew even if I wasn't in my right mind that I had hurt her.

"Is that how you feel? That you don't want me to be your girlfriend? What happened to all those things we talked about before I left. Huh? The plans we had. Are you even studying anymore? What about the academy? Those things were important to you."

Remaining silent I could now feel the tears fall down my face as the room continued to spin and my stomach was turning at all the alcohol I had drank. All her questions were making my brain hurt even more.

"Well maybe I don't want those things. OK?"

"Since when? That doesn't sound like you Stef."

"Since now! What is it to you!"

"Stef I love you. I love you and Callie more then you will ever know and I'm only trying to help you. But you keep pushing me away. Now your saying or implying that you don't want to be with me and that you don't want these things for yourself or us. Why? What is going on?"

"Lena I can't have this conversation right now. I can't. So just go back to your trip and just leave me alone.  I can't take you picking my brain and trying to figure shit out. I just, just don't."

"Yeah. Run away like always. I won't bother you again." I heard her say and click the phone down. Dropping the phone myself and running my fingers through my hair I felt Jenna take the seat beside me rubbing my back.

"You don't gotta talk about shit. Just relax baby." She said sliding a pill in my mouth and kissing my shoulder as my vision went blurry and I lost all emotion and feeling.

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Stef is not in her right mind right now and I know many of you will be angry with her and her choices. I am too! But someone will help her and she will get her shit together. Promise!