Try To Keep The Pace

"Gotta treat her like Satan"

 "I-I....cheated..."

 Alice's was shocked and filled with guilt. She knew what she had done. She had known about my situation, yet she still did it. But at the same time I didn't push her away. I can't blame her. Well I could, but that wouldn't be fair at all. Alice opened her mouth then closed it, clearly not knowing how to form words. I on the other hand, was just sitting there not knowing what to do. Before I could have said anything or done anything Alice spoke up.

"I-I'm so s-sorry."she chocked out as she sat there paralyzed. Not like she could stand up from there. I finally made quite in my head and stood up form my place to walk over to her. Stop! You can't do this! Dani is your girlfriend, Alice is your friend! I know, this is why I have to cheer her up or something! Are you nuts?! She just kissed you and you cheated on Dani! It's not her fault! Then who's is it?! I d-

"It's not your fault."I told her and knelt down in front of her. Alice looked at me with her red watery eyes. 

"It is! I fucked up everything! I told you this was wrong!" Yes, you are right, it wasn't her fault. It was your fricking fault! I shook my head, clearing my head.

"It was mine. I didn't push you away." After that I didn't know what else to say. Or at least I didn't know how to tell her those heavy thoughts that had been clouding my mind. I really don't want mess up our-...whatever we have. But I don't want to hurt Dani. I knew that I wasn't good enough to be her girlfriend. I just fuck up things. We haven't been together for long, but I already feel like I had ended it. I wasn't imagining my first relationship to be like this. I feel like I let down Dani, mom, Alice and myself. I'm such a screw up! No wonder why da-

"Why?"she asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. She was looking at her clenched fist on her lap.

"W-what?"I asked her, not understanding her question. Her shoulders started to shake.

"Why? Why didn't you just shove me away?! Why didn't you just run away?! Why?!"she shouted at me or more like at her hands. I'm pretty sure that woke up Eliza, if our crying didn't. My throat felt dry. Why? Why didn't I push her away? Was it because I didn't want to hurt her? Was it because I'm actually a huge slut? Okay that's a bit extreme. Or was it because I actually like her? .... What if I really do like her...in a more than friend way? Okay this might seem cliche if I were straight or at least pretending to be straight, but I'm 360% sure that I'm gay. Alice is my friend. I've never thought about her like that and I'm pretty sure I would have never if she didn't kiss me. She- Are you done now? Alice is waiting for an answer and you have been arguing with yourself for some time now. And by yourself I mean with really yourself and not with the 'voice'. Can't you just disappear already? Hell naw, I'm the only thing that is keeping you sane. Fuck you. Wrong, it's masturbation. Masturbation! 

"If you can't answer me then...please leave." Fuck, you were right! Of course I was.

"Look, Alice."I raised her head by her chin and looked straight into her forest green eyes, in what I could get lost in, just like in a real forest. I took a deep breath and thought over what was I about to say. "I'm not mad at you... you've done nothing wrong. It was all my fault."

"But wh-"I cut her off with putting my index finger over her mouth.

"I'm talking now."I said in a commanding tone, which I didn't really like."I don't know either, why I didn't push you away. A-a-and if you let me...I'd like to keep you close... The kiss... It wasn't entirely bad. It made me realize that I don't know how important you are to me. Don't take this the wrong way! You are really important to me. More important than I've ever thought you would be." I sighed."I understand if you don't want us to be friends -or anything- anymore. But if you could give me some time to make things right and figure them out...I'd be really with that." I forced out a smile by the end of my sentence. Alice's eyes were reading my face. It made me nervous how I could see the cogs turn in her head. Maybe she's considering on giving me time. Maybe she's actually willing to go along all of this. Maybe I have a chance to keep her by my side!