Sovereign

Entry 4: Sanders' Journal - 02/11

11th February.

I'm too old for this.

When I was called up for this investigation, I didn't expect that things would go south so fast. I wonder if they would have given me the job if they knew how bad my memory loss has become, or how quickly my powers are growing. I can barely control it as it is. Future Zoe, if you find this somewhere, hidden behind a desk or something, READ EVERY LINE.

Yeah, where was I, journaling.

Future Zoe, in case you ever see this, know that I started this journal for three reasons.

1. Based on the shit I have seen so far, the Pine street incident will be one of the weirdest things I will ever investigate and I'd be a total idiot not to try and document as much of it as I can.

2. I, no, WE are losing huge chunks of our memory. I have kept this a secret from almost everyone but I suspect Edwin knows. If he really does, he's playing possum (which works for me right now). I took this job because I felt I wouldn't need to use my telepathy as much, since it's mostly paper pushing. Or at least I thought it was. Now I'm not so sure.

3. Tied in to number 2: The people I am working with are, quite frankly, scary. They have so many psychic people there, I am too afraid to think. I blank my thoughts and try not process anything in their presence. So all my thoughts and conjectures will end up here, where no telepath can reach.

I don't know how else to say this but I AM SO FRIGGING PISSED RIGHT NOW! After getting stonewalled for nearly two weeks by the heads of the Esoteric department (that's the name of the division I am investigating, in case we somehow forget), Raphael - the head of Unit 11 - just dumped six months worth of forensic data and interviews on me. And this was only after Internal Affairs threatened with something even I don't want to think about (They were nice on paper, I'm sure. They are always so polite on paper, because of court cases). From the stack of files sitting on the floor in my cubicle (I had to put most of it down because I needed somewhere to write this), I am going to be drowned in paper work for a very long time, and I'm not even sure how much of it is relevant information so sorting through will be a real bitch. I am still somewhat surprised they managed to keep an incident this big out of the media and everywhere else for nearly three months.

I don't know why Raphael doesn't like me when he doesn't even know me. He delivered the files to me himself, levitating and dropping them unceremoniously at my feet when I arrived at their bunker yesterday. It took me nearly two hours to log the whole thing to the surface and then my car. Nobody offered to help. My arms are still aching. So far I have gone past the basic documents which detail the how the Esoterics work, and gotten something they call the 'Code Key' (which I forwarded to Edwin). According to them, I am a Medium and a Witch. I wonder what Norman would say about that.

Shit.

In all this, I totally forgot to call him. It has been strange these last few weeks, not being able to feel his thoughts nudging at the edge of my consciousness. I miss him so much. Every bit of him, from his snickering laughter to his stupid sex jokes and ginger beard. Even his stubbornness. Lord, I have never a met a more stubborn man. He's been calling me nonstop for the last three days, asking me to come home for Valentine's Day. Or that I give him permission to come meet me here instead. He knows well enough that neither can happen. I can't risk it. The Esoterics are jumpy right now, and his powers are growing like mine. He'd probably end up triggering a vision or doing something to set them off. Plus I can't leave now, not when I'm finally beginning to make some headway in this case. Spending the Valentine together will hurt my chances of sorting through this mess, and spending it apart will hurt him and make him worry even more. It's one of those between a rock and a hard place dilemmas. I just hope he understands the situation at hand, which is more than I can say for myself.

I think I'm finally in over my head. With every page of these reports I read, the main thought that enters my mind is "the fuck is this?" and I realise more and more that this is a branch of paranormal science that I haven't even breached the surface of. That is, assuming it's even science. Everything I've discovered about the Esoteric Division sounds like it would be more appropriate in a Neil Gaiman graphic novel. And that's saying a lot considering who I am and what I can do. I'm afraid to admit this, but every single one of them has left me completely doubting my powers. My telepathy used to be a constant probe around me, like a humming in the background where I could simply tune in to a particular strain when something caught my attention. But at the bunker, I push with all my mental force and all I get is silence. And what is scarier is that everyone doesn't seem to notice that I am trying so aggressively to bludgeon their minds open. They just walk past me, completely calm, and I am left worrying whether their minds are so shielded that my probes don't register, or they are completely ignoring me just to unnerve me.

I also can't help wondering what could be so powerful that it could attack these people and overwhelm them to the point that internal affairs has to call me in to investigate. Me, of all people, and not my superiors who have handled a lot more cases (though I doubt any of them have seen anything with even a fraction of the weirdness of this one). Honestly, what am I doing here? I don't understand.

In non-supernatural but equally important news, my period came today. With all the messing around Norman and I did over Christmas and most of the New Year, I was almost certain we'd slipped up. You can't imagine how happy I was when the cramps started. Remind me to get celebratory tampons and a new pair of black pants. Actually, get half a dozen new black pants. And chocolate. Might as well spend all that diaper money on something productive since I'm going to be here a while.

NB: There's something about Landsteiner, one of the team members of Unit 11 and the Entanglement subdivision. I might have imagined it but he smiled for a fraction of section longer than I'd have expected when we first met and shook my hand with his middle finger tucked into his palm. I don't know what that means, but I'm determined to find out. I thought he was just being creepy or weird (like practically everyone else), but now I'm not so sure.

If the universe is good to me, I might have found my first ally in all this.