TW: Self-Hate, Eating Disorders, BreakDown, Depression.
Hoseok didn't mean to snap at the others,
Hoseok didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings,
He sure as hell didn't mean to make Namjoon worry.
He couldn't keep everything bottled up anymore.
Everything happened so fast, it was a normal day in the studio, they were doing a dance practice, a private one. Hoseok's mind was stuck in a different place, causing his legs to tumble, making him fall to the ground. He couldn't keep himself from thinking, he couldn't stop thinking.
"C'mon hyung! Quit messing up!" Jungkook whined while shoving Hoseok, who only nodded muttering a small "sorry, i'll do better."
Again, Hoseok messed up, he knew that the others were mad at him, he could feel the atmosphere change around him as he fell to the ground.
"Hoseok-Hyung! Even Jin-Hyung is doing better than you!" Taehyung howled, his voice clearly in a joking manner, but it still broke Hoseok's last string of emotions he had, he had snapped.
"I'm sorry I'm not fucking perfect all the god damn time." Hoseok felt his gut churn as he had yelled, tears falling from his eyes, realizing what he had done. Quickly collecting his things he left the room without a word.
He left the others with jawdropped faces, they looked at each other while sitting down, Taehyung falling quiet. Taehyung knew Hoseok had gone overboard when Hoseok swore, Hoseok hated swearing.
"What happened? What have we done?" Jimin asks while snuggling up to Yoongi, looking for comfort as tears welded in his eyes.
Taehyung's head fell into his knees, he felt so disgusting, he knew that Hoseok wasn't himself lately, yet he kept pushing it.
"Tae, please don't cry." Jungkook frowned, scooting himself closer to Taehyung, wrapping his arms around him. "It's my fault." Taehyung choked out.
"It's all our faults, don't just blame yourself, we shouldn't have fucked with him." Yoongi states, running a hand thru his hair.
Namjoon stood up with a big sigh, he should have said something, but he knew the members were joking with Hoseok, if he had known that his boyfriend was this close to a breakdown he would have said something.
Namjoon felt guilt rush in his stomach, how could he be so blind? Why hadn't he noticed Hoseok creating space between them in bed, or how Hoseok's eyes would be blood shot from crying and lack of sleep, or that the other had stopped coming out for group meals? How could he have not realized how broken Hoseok had become.
"I've got to go," Was all Namjoon said as he ran out the door, not even bothering to get his duffel bag.
Namjoon's heart pounded out of his chest, picturing what Hoseok was doing right now, he knew what he was doing. Hoseok is in the bathroom, standing on that fucking scale as more tears pricked from his deep brown hues.
Namjoon doesn't know how he was able to run all the way back to the dorms, but he was, he did it for Hoseok, like he should have done long ago.
Still running, he made it up the flight of steps, running thru the hallway to the familiar bathroom.
When Namjoon jiggled the door open, he saw something he never wanted to see, Hoseok hunched over the toilet, his fingers spit covered while they lazily rested on the toilet seat. Soft almost silent sobs coming from him.
"Oh Hoseok." Namjoon thought while sliding behind him, his arms wrapping around Hoseok's almost boney figure. Hoseok's head shot up, with a groan.
"N-Namjoon." Hoseok cries, moving closer in Namjoon's embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Hoseok repeated, almost unable to make out his strained forced out words, strangled by his sobs.
Namjoon shook his head, his own tears daring to pour. No, he couldn't and wouldn't cry, he needed to be strong for Hoseok.
"Oh Baby." Namjoon whispered, a shh following after his words. Namjoon's tired legs force him to stand, lifting Hoseok up with him. He felt like falling, but he wouldn't let himself, this was about Hoseok.
Namjoon picks Hoseok up in a cradled position, carrying him down the hallway to the bedroom the two shared with Jungkook.
Setting Hoseok on their shared bed, he sits next to him, letting Hoseok fall into his lap.
"Baby, why are you sorry? If anyone should be sorry it's me." Namjoon plays with Hoseok's hair, his whole body hurting, but he didn't care. He did need Hoseok to genuinely smile, to not fake laugh.
"I-I hate myself." Hoseok sobbed into Namjoon's thighs, choking himself on his cries. Namjoon leans down, pecking at Hoseok's head.
"I don't know why you hate yourself, there's no reason for you to Hobi." Namjoon whispers, lifting Hoseok up, being careful not to hurt Hoseok.
Making Hoseok look at him, Namjoon took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from crying at the sigh of the tear-stained Hoseok. "Baby, I want you to listen to me." Namjoon placed his hands on top of Hoseok's.
Hoseok nods, sniffling in the process.
"I get it Hoseok, I get that being an idol is hard.. I get that keeping us a secret is hard, there have been many times when I wanted to kiss you in front of everyone, I can't imagine how draining it is for you. I know you haven't been as happy these days, and I'm a shit boyfriend for just noticing it, I know that you feel like everything is crashing down around you.. But you're not alone, you have me, you have six other friends who love you like family. You can't let others get you down, don't give them what they want.
They want to see you crumble, but you can't let them, because you are so much better than them. Remember what you told me when we were younger? Because I do, so vividly, you told me; "Just because you fall, you gotta get back up again, it's okay to sit for awhile, but you've got to walk to get better." I think it's time you followed your words."
Hoseok went to speak, opening his mouth to be cut off by Namjoon.
"Hoseok, to see you in this state is so terrifying, I don't want you to feel like this anymore. I love you so much and to see you like this is heartbreaking." Hoseok's tears came rolling down his long face faster.
"I-I'm sorry Namjoonie, I'll do better!" Hoseok wiped at his eyes, only to be stopped by Namjoon. Namjoon's hands wrapped around Hoseok's wrists.
"You don't have to do anything, you are so amazing and I couldn't imagine someone being better than you, I adore you so fucking much."
Hoseok lungs foreword onto Namjoon, his arms around Namjoon's shoulders as he thanks him over and over again. Whispering "I love you's" Namjoon places a firm grip around Hoseok's middle, pulling him to himself. His own tears escaping his eyes.
"I love you."
