Human Element

Terminal

  The sound of my alarm clock could not be anymore annoying. Same times.. Same days.. and the worst feeling ever. I was still stuck in this cursed realm of existence. "Fuck" is a common first word of the day, referring to how much I'd rather be... It's.. not important.. Days turn into years; and years turn into single days. Wake up, shower, eat, school, work, eat, sleep... Rinse.. and repeat. Im certainly not alone in this insanely repetitive life, but it does seem like some people have a reason to continue. Whether it's a vision, a partner, kids or just money.. I cannot seem to look at it the same way. Life is a terminal disease, and I can't seem to make the best of it.

     I don't dream much, in comparison to the spectacularly scary dreams I had as a child. Almost all of them were centered around fear, losing control, and dying. I had a dream where I fell off my old metal bunk bed and I was basically falling from space; when I hit the ground, my spine decided it was a slingshot and sent my real life forehead straight into the ceiling. What a night that was. Nowadays the closest thing I get to dreaming is thinking about how "I will totally be satisfied with life someday". One of the few things I managed to fall in love with was storms, and everything that came with them. The rain douses the fire in my head. The lightning and thunder keep my blood pumping... The wind freezes my presumably soaked body in the rain.. And just the sight of those pulsating ominous clouds send excited chills throughout my corpse of a body. If I had never laid eyes on... Maybe the storms would still be the most beautifully wondrous thing to exist for. I almost find my self disappointed, how could anything... anyone be more engrossing than thunderstorms?

   "Hide away to be found someday." and.. surely enough I was found. Definitely not under the conditions I'd rather be found but.. I was found. There always seems to be a payback for everything. You feel really good? Let's make you feel really.. really bad. Oh, you feel bad now? Let's turn the tables again and make life great again. These things came and went like the tide. Life has been drowning me for a long ass time. I wonder when the moon is going to decide the perfect time for low tide?

Im used to feeling bad, and in the back of my head I know why. By no means am I alone; I try to give important things everything I got.. I just belittle myself, and blame myself for just about any bad thing that involves me. I've been lacking human contact.. The taste.. touch.. sound.. and a good connection with someone.

Then.. she smiled. All thoughts ceased to exist, what was only moments ago drowning in pointless thoughts is now rather clear. "Simple" would definitely be the right word. Things felt simple. Of course the clarity of thought only lasted a few moments and the thunderstorm in my mind blocked out the sun again. I never liked the sun, but she.. She had this fiery aura about her, that seemed to set the rain on fire. The clouds evaporated at her will. She was the sun, but better; you can't go blind looking at her and you probably could get real close before.. She had dark red hair, pale white skin, and looked about my height maybe shorter. Oh, and her eyes were a sparkly sky blue. If she ever cried, I'd probably tear myself up inside... especially if it was my fault. And if it wasn't my fault, and I was around to see it... Mentally; I would probably rip the persons limbs off and beat there own arm "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?!" Maybe just a few broken fingers or something in real life, depending on what happened. All this thought from one smile, I can't imagine why I'm not like the common populace.. I don't even know her name yet, and she.. doesn't know mine.

Her name is Rose, Rose Everhart.. how fitting. It seemed right. Like all roses she was beautiful, and I bet she has some serious thorns. She didn't seem innocent by any means, she didn't present like a coward or a child. She could bark and bite. But she was no dog. She was a... I'll let her speak for herself. I feel like a creep, my eyes wander her way whenever I have nothing to do, and I don't necessarily make conversation. I guess I was afraid of myself; how much of a fool could I make of myself before she... Well shit, she has a boyfriend. Well it's not like I said anything to her anyway, and I'm glad the hope was shattered prior to being something much more than hope. What did I truly expect? Someone that.. perfect, I wish I talked to her at least.. I find myself falling into dismay, why am I so afraid of trying?

Nobody's Guide to Never Being Disappointed! Step One: No Expectations! Step Two: No Hope! Step Three: Repeat step one and two forever.

A life without disappointed isn't much of a life now is it? But what is a life filled with pain? A good life. Without feelings, how would life be defined. Nick Aryes was the name I was given when I was brought into this world. I was born with blonde curly hair and I never really got into outside activities; my hair eventually straightened out and darkened to a dark oak brown. It used to be short all the time, my parents would never let me grow it out but, now that I'm older it's managed to reach my shoulders. My eyes are a storm cloud blue, and for some reason people like to compliment them quite often. Not really sure how to reply to compliments though.. "thanks, your shoes... are they new?" No matter how nice or mean people are; things always seem to feed the disease that I've embodied. I can't seem to help myself, and I won't let anyone else try. I wish I was someone else. Not much left to say.