Human Element

Unholy Confessions

You will be the one that saves someone someday.

  I honestly couldn't bother saving myself... So what's the point in trying to "save" someone else? What good could I do? The idea echoed in the seemingly empty chasms within my cranium, but it was a rather.. peculiar and complicated thought.. Who would be this someone, and what day? The unknown used to scare me, but as days went on I started to care less... and less... and less... Maybe the thought wasn't my own, however I don't believe I ever heard it from someone else... All thoughts seem to be made up of the same words; could anything really be "original"? Did it matter in the end? Of course the answer is always "No, nothing matters; we're born.. we live.. and then we die." That's all life really is to me. Unfortunately I'm already failing life, I'm by no means "living", I sit and wallow in.. I'm not worth talking about; however I'd like to think that someday... somehow.. I'll be someone.. Someone alive.. Loving..

Things are in need of great change.. As for most people, myself included... If you would even consider me a person.. I have an awfully hard time with change. You could give me your heart and all the love in the galaxy and I'd still find some way to twist and warp it all into a ticking bomb in my mind. To my surprise the bomb never explodes, the implicated pressures break me down before anything "real" happens. Getting attached to things and even people has done no good in the past; there's always some sort of stipulation involved with just about everything and everyone.

Pardon my scattered brain but.. Try to relax a little.. Now think about butts.. Hot. ass. butts. Like that? I can almost guarantee you don't like "buts" though.. "I love you... but", "I'd totally hang with you.. but", "You're a good kid.. but"... Get my point?  Point is, most of us are going to like butts; and all of us are going to hate "Buts". If you're gonna say "but" at some point while talking to someone; maybe think about not saying anything. In short, just know that "buts" are nice for stealing away whatever light you just tried to give to someone.

  I've only recently reached the age of adulthood, and I already feel like I'm having a midlife crisis. My heart yearns for the innocence that my young years stole away from me. Unfortunately at the same time, I just want to skip all this bullshit and be in love.. Whatever that means; many people seem to have that figured out already. I don't put much effort into school or work but things seem to work out for me. Can't tell if I'm too smart, or just.. too dumb to see the value in life just yet. Over the past year i resorted to using a belt to try ridding of my brain cells, hoping that being brain dead or at least a little brainless would help me along my way... Of course nothing goes exactly according to plan, and things worsen.

  If it wasn't obvious enough, I'm lost. I've got no light in my life. Faith and hope seem.. pointless.. Trust is a great thing to have... but I'm not a dumbass; people are animals.. and animals are unpredictable. No matter what I do I cant seem to invest in myself, as if I was brought up in life to just look emptily into the void that my future is becoming. I feel dumb; and I believe that I'm retarded. The people around me are starting to figure stuff out; one friend wants to be a fireman and a teacher, and another wants to join the service. Those who have no clue at least have some shape or form of hope, "I'll figure it out", "I'll find my way". It all seems like a charade until something actually happens. I prefer not faking things; maybe that's why I'm locked inside my head.

Dying has always been more than an option. However I've never seemed to.. actually want to. Sure the feeling really begs me to, but I could never seem to finish the job. Always feel like there's something or someone holding me back. Maybe pushing people away has become a way to help cut those ties holding me back. Let's be honest here, if no one "Cared" it'd be a lot easier to disappear. Talking with people about these issues has never been my strong suit.. and probably never will be.. It's rarely beneficial, and whether it is or not.. people don't look at me the same. To a lot of people I'm just a troubled kid. I don't do anything "wrong" or "Bad". I'm just not on the "good" side of myself.. Few voices breach my skull, and the loudest seems to be the one born within it.