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Do you ever feel so broken inside that you can't physically move? It takes every single muscle in your body just to be able to breathe? I've never felt so helpless in my life, and that's saying a lot considering I was alone for the majority of it. Not having a father, having to care for my mother. I had no friends, not a single soul to even call an acquaintance. The people who were supposed to be here for me, care for me and love me unconditionally, they all left me.
After meeting Ryan and getting to know him, I thought I could actually have someone in my life who cared about me enough to never leave me like everyone else did. I thought he'd be here for me through thick and thin, to be the friend that I needed when I was feeling down and needed a shoulder to cry on.
I thought falling in love with him would be like something in a fairy-tale.
Never once did the thought of falling in love and suddenly having my heart ripped from my chest cross my mind.
You may think that I can't love Ryan, having only known him for a short period of time, but the way I feel about him is something I can't explain. It's an incredible feeling and I can't get enough of it. I want him with me all the time, touching me, kissing me. Just being next to me. I want to feel him next to me, sleeping, reading, writing, anything. I don't want to be without him.
"Please don't be mad at me." He says softly but with so much emotion. I get out of the car as soon as he parks it in front of our - or my apartment building. "We should still talk ab-"
"There's nothing else to talk about. You made up your mind. You're leaving."
I don't wait for him as I storm inside of the building and burst through the unlocked door of my apartment, and Gerard and Frank are still sitting on the couch watching something on TV.
"I'd just like to thank you." I say to Frank. He's a bit blurry thanks to the tears. "Because of you, Ryan's leaving. Because of you, I'm going to be left alone once again and have my heart ripped out of my fucking chest again. Thank you so fucking much."
I hear Ryan come in, the door closing behind him.
"What do you mean he's leaving? Where is he going?" Gerard questions, like he has no idea what I'm talking about.
"With you? Where else?" I roll my tear filled eyes and retreat to the bedroom that I'll be alone in once Ryan leaves.
It hurts so much, replaying his words in my head. That he'd be alone and have no one if Gerard left. What about me? Am I nothing to him? I don't mean anything to him at all? Was he just trying to do a nice thing and be there for me to talk to when I needed a shoulder to cry on?
The knock on the door makes me jump.
"Brendon, can we talk please?" It's Gerard, and his voice is soft and almost comforting.
I sit up on my bed and wipe my eyes, then bring the pillow in front of me and hold onto it.
"Sure." I mumbled into the pillow. Gerard comes in and sits down on the bed next to me.
