Estrangements (Phan AU)

Effrontery

noun

       • impudent boldness, insolence.

Phil doesn't end up buying Dan a suit, but he does end up lending him a dress shirt and slacks. The pants don't fit quite right, but Dan doesn't seem to give a shit as he stuffs his hands in the pockets and carefully inspects Phil's condo.

Admittedly, he looks out of place among the sleek modern decor and pristine hardwood floors. Like an accidental spill of black paint onto a brightly-coloured canvas, he's blurred out where the condo comes into full focus.

Phil tries not to think too hard on it. On the fact that Dan is in his home, is looking at his things and picking through his life. He tries to focus on smoothing out the lapels of his suit jacket and combing his hair out into something presentable. He tries not to wonder what Dan thinks of him now, if his opinions have changed since he's gotten a glimpse at the world Phil really comes from. If he hates Phil for living in a practical skyscraper with expensive utilities and a freshly varnished wooden table. If he resents him for not coming from abuse and destroyed childhoods and cold, dangerous streets.

It's almost laughable how different they are.

"How long do we have to be there for?" Dan demands after Phil's reemerged from the bathroom. The expression on his face is sour, his eyes earth-brown and quaking with dissatisfaction.

Phil looks away. "Probably an hour or two, at the very least."

Dan gives him a once-over. His shoulders are hunched, his brows furrowed in thought, his lips turned down in uncertainty, and all Phil can think is that he barely even looks like himself. He isn't himself. He's Dan without the things that make him him, stripped down and dressed back up like a doll getting the latest upgrade.

It makes Phil regret asking him to come even more than he already did. His stomach churns, the guilt so palpable that he knows he won't be eating anything tonight, and he tries to ignore the clenching in his chest.

Dan doesn't fit here, in the world beyond a park and a street-corner and shivering in the cold. Nothing's ever going to work out between them, not even on a purely platonic level. Their planes of existence are too far apart and impossible to merge together.

He shakes his head. Dan still said yes, still agreed to come with him. He could have just as easily said no. He's certainly never hesitated to do so in the past.

Dan wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be and Phil shouldn't feel guilty for wanting him there.

He has enough to feel guilty for already.