Emily #freementalillness #literasia

t w e n t y f o u r

Her mother tried very hard to be a good mother. Emily recognizes that she did all that she knew how to do, but even then, it wasn't enough. She never really talked to Emily. They weren't close and never had a good relationship. She didn't understand Emily, at any stage in her life.

Emily understood her mother. She worked a full time job and hardly had any room to relax, much less care for Emily. But she worked hard so that she could support a family.

One that never came. The doctor said she'd never be pregnant again. She spiraled until she hit her breaking point, resulting in a resignation letter and continuous hours glued to a screen. Her only solace became online novels written in Mandarin.

Emily had been left to fend for herself since she was a child. It's left her bitter and hyper aware of the reality of the world she lives in.

Despite that, she'll get ridiculously jealous over the girls who look up to their mothers as role models. She loves her mother unconditionally, like you do with any family member, but she could never look up to her.

She was a symbol of everything Emily never wanted to be.

Emily tried to tell her about the bullying and the self harm and how she'd cry for hours on end until she finally fell asleep, too drained to continue, but her mother just brushed it all away. Like it didn't exist. Like her emotions weren't valid.

After winning a few cross country races, back in her freshman year, Emily's grandparents congratulated her. She felt good. She felt confident, maybe even like she was beginning to find her place.

But her mother simply tittered and pulled her aside, telling her not to take those words of obvious false flattery to heart.

Emily shrunk. She hasn't grown since.

She wishes that her mother would care for once.

She doesn't ever ask how Emily's day has been and she doesn't know what her classes or interests or friends are. Emily used to try and initiate conversation by rambling on about her day and things like the news or just released movies.

She doesn't bother anymore.

Her mother never answered.

She never will.

In each period of her life that she needed specifically a mother the most, she didn't have one.

It hurt deep in her heart, in a place that she wishes didn't exist. Because Emily knows that, whatever her mother does, she will still sacrifice anything for her in a heartbeat.

She wishes that her mother would do the same for her.