Emily #freementalillness #literasia

e l e v e n

The experiences that change our lives, for the better or worse, are often buried deep within our own minds. We may recall them, or leave them lost in the finite space of our minds. Emily Kim did not simply wake up one day and decide to be depressed. There existed many turning points in her life when everything went downhill, her confidence shattered, spirit broke, and life felt drained. She can barely remember anymore, much less single out those events, but the funny thing about memories is that they always resurface, consciously or not. And so one did, coming back to Emily in a kaleidoscope of swirled colors and shapes, like she was watching her life again through pierced glass, the voices too loud and the colors too bright. She relived one of her turning points frequently in a nightmare - only to forget each event the next morning, left with an unsettling fear of uncertainty in her self-worth.

To say that her parents were the root of her problems would be a lie. They are but a small fraction of everything that drove her to the brink of insanity. Emily Kim fears few things, one of those being a girl, or at least the memory of her. When she closed her eyes and tried to think back, she could only see the face of a girl with heavy eyeliner, lip gloss, and too much eye shadow. Her lips were set in a permanent smirk, one that said, I know so much more than you do, and Emily believed it. She was too gullible, too will less to resist, too naïve to understand anything.

Lily Jeong was cool, astronomically so, or at least at their small middle school. She was a popular eighth grader who took nerdy, awkward Emily Kim under her wing. So many things in her life now are direct after effects of hanging onto every word Lily spoke as if it was pure gold that came out of her glossed lips instead of resentful criticisms.

Emily washed her hands in the bathroom sink during lunch, ready to eat after a long first day of school. She had no friends, but was enthusiastic to make some.

Something clattered on the floor and Emily turned to pick it up. It was an eyeliner pencil.

"That's mine." The girl next to her said. Emily looked up from her crouched position on the floor and gave the pencil to her, hoping they could be friends. "Thanks."

She swished the pencil around her eyes expertly, and Emily looked on in awe.

"Hey. You're a sixth grader right?" Emily nodded. "You can sit with us if you like." She shrugged like it was no big deal but this meant the world for Emily. She was making friends.

"Okay." Emily smiled widely, finally feeling like she could fit in.

All her friends looked cool. They wore skinny jeans, flats, and cool people tops. She didn't understand why, but their shirts just seemed cool, and she couldn't think of any word but cool to describe the group. They radiated indifference and attitude. Emily waved at each one but they didn't even cast her a glance, all glued to their cool people phones.

They either didn't eat or bought school lunch. Emily bought too, and felt happy to be doing something like the cool kids. After a few minutes of eating, Lily looked at Emily, face twisted in a sort of sneer that Emily assumed was a smile, not wanting to jump to rude conclusions.

"Your face is round. Don't wear those oval, wire framed glasses. It only enhances your fat face." She tossed offhandedly. Emily pulled her glasses off of her face immediately, shoving them in her backpack.

"Better." Lily said. "Have you considered contacts or laser eye surgery or something? Wearing glasses totally changes your face shape and makes you uglier. My mom used to wear glasses." She paused to swipe some lip gloss on her already slimy lips. "But then she took them off and her friends were like, OMG, you look so different! So she got laser eye surgery."

"Oh. Cool-"

Lily picked up Emily's burger and started eating it. She looked at her with an arrogant smirk twisting her lips.

"What? Were you going to eat this?"

"Um, yeah, I-"

"You're so fat, I don't think that missing a meal would hurt." Lily sneered. Emily glanced down at herself. Stubby legs shoved into old jeans and a chubby stomach from eating a little too much mochi for dessert filled her line of vision, and suddenly that was all she could see. The fat collecting on her skin, becoming part of her, all the things she needed to desperately purge. She felt disgusted with herself. Lily was right. She was fat.

"Right." She whispered, voice barely audible over the laughing and joking of everyone in the lunchroom. They weren't directed at Emily but she felt like it was. She quietly sipped water to take her mind off of being hungry, but to no avail. Her stomach rumbled and she reached for her apple slices.

Lily snatched up the packet before she could, ripping it open with sharply filed nails and munching up the fruit.

"This tastes so good. Mmmmm." She smirked.

Emily's heart plummeted but she forced a weak smile on her face.

When she got home she didn't eat. She stopped buying lunch, and instead hid in the library from Lily's crowd. When they got to her, she sat quietly at their table as Lily picked her apart with words. When she almost cried, someone yelled, "What? Are you emo or something? Are you going to cut yourself?" They then proceeded to mock her, pretending to slice their own wrists with french fries. "Look at me, I'm so pathetic and I'm crying, give me attention!" They joked. Emily tried to stop crying but nothing worked. She just listened to them laugh as her tears hit the tabletop.

Emily tosses and turns in her bed, feeling the mockery hit her like a million splinters of glass becoming embedded into her skin as she was left to bleed out alone. Every word made a new cut, every action opened an old scar.

Emily hates wearing her glasses, now no longer oval but selected after extensive research to fit her face shape. She avoids them at all costs, hating to see her imperfections so clearly. She'd rather fool herself into thinking she looks better than she does, which is why she doesn't wear her glasses in the bathroom, to avoid glimpsing her reflection.

Was Lily Jeong to blame for everything Emily became? No. Emily was broken before she met Lily. She only lost the shattered pieces of herself within a pool of self loathing and negative, consuming thoughts. Lily helped decimate Emily Kim, but she wasn't the first to do so, and certainly not the last.

Emily often wonders about fate and chance. If she hadn't picked up that eyeliner in the bathroom at lunch would she have ever met Lily Jeong? Possibly. But would she have been invited to sit with her? Maybe. What if she had any friends? Would they have been able to pull her out of the black hole that was Lily Jeong, sucking the life out of everyone she meets? She doubts that she'd be crying her heart out on a Friday night if that was the case.

Emily had so many opportunities to make friends, but she didn't. She was afraid of them becoming Lily, snarling and alarmingly rude under a pretense of false eyelashes and cool people attire. She didn't want to make friends if that's what it meant. Not at all.

She's better off alone.