Emily #freementalillness #literasia

c l o s i n g

Hello, and thank you for reading Emily. I first wrote this book to reflect my own personal problems, projecting it to a year ahead of my life, and trying to imagine what would happen to me if I never got better. I honestly did not know where this was going to go, and my updates were sporadic because they came as events in my life did.

Walter is a combination of some friends I've had.

Ava is a combination of every lost friend I've ever had.

Lily is a combination of all my bullies.

Emily was me, but she became something else- all of you. Everyone who commented and related to her, I'm so sorry. I've felt every emotion I've written, because I wouldn't write something I don't feel strongly about. And I want to tell you to hold on. Because it is never too late. And suicide isn't the answer.

I've been the suicidal, but more recently I've been the friend of one. I've become a lot better since beginning Emily, and knowing this person changed my perspective a lot. It is terrifying to know someone who genuinely wants to die and has thoughts about it virtually all the time and is considering different ways to go.

My inbox is always open to anyone who would like to talk, but I urge you all to seek professional help if you feel like Emily did. The earlier you get help, the easier it will be to feel okay again. This story was never written to glorify or glamorize being depressed and feeling alone and suicidal or to romanticize self harm, etc. It was for me. Then people started reading. And I realized how much words have an impact.

Please get help if you feel it getting bad. Don't let it get really bad. Nobody deserves that pain. Emily's fate was only one outcome of many. And I hope it never has to end like this for anyone.

Goodbye, readers. I'll see you in another book.

edit made 062017: bc of 13 reasons why and the controversy around it, i want to state something. if you relate to anything emily has felt please please don't watch the show. there's been a lot of hard evidence against it, such as the fact that showing the suicide in [over] graphic detail causes copy cat attempts, as it did. i have not seen the show and will never make an attempt to watch it, despite what people tell me. please heed the trigger warnings. even if you think you're fine, the things that 13rw depict can still get into your head subconsciously. don't quote me on any of this since i'm just going off of articles i've read, but i gather that 13rw is bringing suicide to the table as a piece of serious conversation. and that is good. we need to talk about it and make sure people who are dealing with those feelings can get help and don't feel bad for doing so. however, the way they did it has left much to be desired. they went against what mental health experts advised. people are turning the show into a meme and distributing it through social media, and calling to attention all the wrong things. i did not write a reaction to emily's death for this reason. i was afraid through the entire novel that i would romanticize it unintentionally, and i hope i did not. i digress, however, and lament the fact that i killed emily. she should have lived. killing her the way i did with the reasoning emily chose translates to "sometimes it's too much and you can't go back" but that's not right. you can come back, no matter how far you've gone. i only killed emily because i was tired of writing it; it took an emotional toll on me. also, i had stopped feeling like emily did. everything got less intense as i reached out to the people that bring me joy and found little reasons everyday to go on. i couldn't stay in this past. so i let go. also, a lot of you guys commented about how walter "left" her. he did, but it was for his own good as well as emily's. emily wasn't easy to deal with and they both acknowledged that. walter tried to help and be supportive and he was a good friend for doing so. but there comes a point, as in all things, where one must step back and acknowledge that your own well being matters too. it took a toll on him. they both knew that. emily told him to let her go because she knew she wasn't choosing to try and get better so she would only hurt walt. she made her choice. it hurt her, yes, but it had to be done. having walt hold onto her, no matter how much he loves [yes you better bet i said loves present tense loves] her is toxic. now i'm not saying it's right to abandon people who have mental health issues or anything okay, i'm just saying that in this situation, it wasn't healthy to hold on. don't base any real life decisions on this. i went through the same thing with a friend, eerily enough, about a year after emily did. i got a friend help. i was walt not emily this time. he didn't understand though, like emily. he cut me off. then he came back like ava did and tried to pretend everything was okay. but the truth is that things are not okay between us. it was emotionally rough to try and help him, rougher when he rejected it and cut me off. but he did get a little better and i feel a lot better knowing that the right people know what's going on so he can get some real help. but we are over. my part in his life is played out, as is his in mine. we chose these paths. it just goes to show, dear readers, that the paths we choose in life are the ones we follow, but there is always choice still. you can branch off with new roads. you can double back on old ones. emily chose her path, and the people that entered her life chose their paths. their actions fell into her life as obstacles. walter chose his path. but he ended up in emily's road, pushing on a mountain. he walked away because he couldn't do anything. and that is the truth. people can help us only so much. they do not determine our inner wills to live. they can make living easier. they can become reasons to live. but they cannot make the decisions we ourselves can. they can't choose for us to get better. i know a lot do you guys were rooting for emily and walt to be together. but they couldn't. walt wanted to fix her. there was no way he could. emily had to want to change. she didn't. she had already decided she was a lost cause. and i guess that's why she died. i know that it is difficult to make that decision to press forward. i struggled with it for a long time. i am not saying that it is a cure-all. picking the path of trying to recover is long and difficult, but it is always the very first step in a life full of new hopes and dreams to be realized, people to meet, things to try, adventures to embark on, music to cherish, memories to be made, love and sunlight to be felt. would you like an alternate ending to be written?

yes [comment here]

signing off once again, lissa/x.