Isolated

Chapter 35

Chapter 35

After everything I faced in my life, after everything that ever shocked me or knocked me off my feet... his words proved that I was still familiar with the sensation of being blown away. Not only did my bodily functions want to revolt, but my mind spun out of control when his heartbreaking words hit me.

My heavy breathing picked up to the point where it controlled my whole body. A body that felt entirely different now! My heart was scrambling, my stomach turning, my mouth now dry. What just happened?! Was this real? My lungs felt empty, my throat was growing a massive lump! And my head was going to fucking explode! He said those words, didn't he?! He actually said that... and it wasn't a dream! Luke said that. Luke. He... he still loves me! He never stopped! Jesus Christ, I'm going to have a heart attack. Oh Jesus Christ! He never stopped. Never. Not once in those three long painful years!

My fucking god.... He loves me, the only man I ever loved. The one I never stopping loving either. After trying to move on, my love for Luke never went away. Deep down, I always knew that and always felt it. Even with my progression with Spencer, I always knew; I just didn't want to face it. It was like what I just discovered a minute ago. My love for Luke and our memories had the same effect on me as it did with him: it consumed us. The only difference was that I tried hiding and denying the fact that I still loved him in order to stop the hurt.

Unfortunately for us right now though, I didn't only try to bury my love for him because it hurt.

In those years and up to now, I tried blocking out my incredible love for him – not just because it hurt to think about. But also because I accepted that it couldn't happen again. That's why I especially didn't allow my head to play out that wonderful fantasy after Luke and I rediscovered each other again. And right now, that is what broke my fucking heart all over again. That we couldn't get back together... even when we are both still very much in love!

God dammit, both! Both of us still in love! Both Luke and I, for fuck's sake! The guy just said it, that he still loved me! That killed me right then to hear his beautiful confession... and know that I couldn't give into it no matter how much I wanted to.

A few more tears crawled down my cheeks and I had the urge to collapse. All I wanted to do was hug him, kiss him, after all these years! I was fully seeing him – Luke! The man I forced myself to leave three years ago! I felt that I was fully seeing him before me now for the first time, only inches from my face. Because now, we finally confronted what we had and what we lost those years ago. And I now know we still love each other after all that time.

He was standing so close to me. We were so close to what we had before - and it was ripping apart my insides! With every piece of my being, I wanted to give myself to him. Yet, I knew I couldn't.

Seeing how much it hit me, Luke's hand on my arm moved to my hip to steady my heaving body that was ready to break. He didn't allow our eyes to break away in attempt to hold me together. It only drove the love and pain deeper. It made it hard to get anything out when I opened my quivering lips.

Doing my best to hold the back the agony as I stared into his eyes, I gripped him closer to me instinctively. "We can't afford to do this again," I shakily whispered, shattering my own heart more. I needed to remember though that my words couldn't have been more true. We could not afford getting back together.

Luke froze for a moment, body tense. Taking a deep breath, his sorrowful but understanding eyes remained straining in mine. He was trying to internally hide the pain of my response. Regardless, I had a feeling he saw what I said coming.

"That's fine," he nodded. "It's been three years so I understand. You can do or feel however you want from what I said. I... I just needed to tell you. However, now... I-I need to ask you something." Taking a deep breath, his eyes finally broke from mine, staring past me and down towards the floor. His eyebrows scrunched when he continued with a frightened voice. "You only said we can't afford it. Does that mean you still love me?"