The Air I Would kill to Breathe

CHAPTER 18 (River Thames)

I had a dreadful evening. I was hoping to drink the night away and make all the problems go but they all came back to me when I woke up this morning. I woke up on my bed holding a bottle of Jack Daniel's with my heels on. God, I look so pathetic. I don't know why I keep on doing this. I actually stopped drinking but when Ethan came back to my life, I knew I'll be needing the company of alcohol. I was planning to drown myself in alcohol so when this is all over, I'll be sober I promise.

My breakfast was delivered to my suite. I somehow feel delighted when I found two blueberry muffins, two large sausages, mashed potato with creme sauce, and fluffy eggs on my plate along with a glass of cranberry juice and a glass of milk. Thank goodness, I got sent with hangover food. Last time, they sent me a salad for breakfast and I wasn't really that happy. How can I get some energy if I had grass for breakfast? Right?

I started eating while searching the location of Mrs. Miller's luncheon. It's in Camden, just outside London's border. It's in a posh neighborhood and everyone invited is expected to wear a fancy dress and a hat. Where in fuck should I look for a fancy hat? God, I have to stop by at the store downstairs again. How much will a fancy cost? Anyways, I want to drive by River Thames for one last time since I'm leaving tonight. I don't know if when will I be back so I need to see it for myself. I need to leave early so I can still stroll for a bit.

I already made a plan. I'm going to stay there for thirty minutes then going to act like something came up. I still can't see Ethan's parents. I feel so guilty just thinking about seeing them eye to eye. I can't make they feel bad because of me. They already did so much way back few years ago. They already suffered because of that horrible night. They will be distraught. How can I make them feel guilty again? It's not my intention to make them feel that way that's why I'm leaving before they come.

I chose to wear an off-shoulder knee-length lilac floral dress and a pair of nude Christian Loubotin pumps I have with me. I paired my outfit with a Fendi clutch. I need to look formal and fashionable because my look reflects my client's and my firm's image. They always tell me to dress well according to the situation and I think I look okay. Right? I succeeded in looking like a

I finished tucking my hair at the back to make it sleek and I secured my black hat with some bobby pins and I'm ready to go. I looked at myself in the mirror for one last time and i sighed.

"You're gonna get yourself killed for one last time, honey. You'll be alright." I told myself and smiled. Just this one last death-defying mission and I'm done. I can finally get away from Ethan and his perfect bubble. I no longer have the need to witness his picture-perfect life. I don't have to see how much love he gives her. It's enough that I had a glimpse. I don't need to watch it everyday.

I can't.

Soon, I will be fine. I know I will be fine, right?

Brokenhearted women get stronger everyday. They are heroines. They can stand up and get wounded, but happy and still headstrong. They will get things finished. They will do it clean. They won't try and ruin their lives for nothing. They move on and mature.

They move on and be happy.

I'm a strong brokenhearted woman. I'm happy... well, not that happy.

I dabbed some Chapstick to moisturize my dry lips. Smoking makes my lips dry and dark so I make sure I use this everyday. After a few minutes, I spread some velvet plum lipstick. I want to make a statement, of course. I want to look confident and beautiful just for today and plum lipsticks make me feel confident. Besides, I didn't use any eyeshadow at all. I just did a simple winged eyeliner and few coats of mascara to pop my eyes. Even if I'm not that happy, I need make myself look good.