The Air I Would kill to Breathe

CHAPTER 9 (Do I wanna die?)

The thing I hate the most in hospitals is the smell. The smell of disinfectant mixed with nebulizer kills me and that is the main reason why I hate it. Currently, I don't have a say in anything since for the second time I collapsed. Michael was indeed outraged when he learned I skipped a meal and only had three hours of sleep. It's not like I chose to be sleep-deprived and starved. I don't have much choice because I was dealing earlier with Mia Donovan's lawyer, Atty. Wright. He's very good man but he clearly stated that he won't lose to me. We made this a simple kind of sport and that's how we lawyers roll.

The male doctor along with a female nurse came inside the room and brought a mini metal tray/basket containing different types of syringes and some liquids in small bottles. I shifted my head on their direction. God, another thing i hate about hospitals is the needle. The feeling of the needle piercing through my fragile skin is beyond painful. My body's pain tolerance collapsed.

"Hi." I said, though I know how dry that sounds.

"Atty. Aria Addison Park, right? Dr. Edwards sent me here for blood testing and chest x-ray. Call me Dr. Hughes Mike is my dear friend. He clearly said that you are a smoker-heavy in fact. Right now, I don't see any complications which is in fact good but you are developing signs of Asthma. You will need inhaler every now and then to keep you breathing and you have to quit smoking or else you will lose your way to breathe. You must've noticed you tried catching your breath many times. Right?" He smiled and he already knows I do and I don't like it when people tell me I'm wrong. That was such a long monologue and i hate monologues.

I exhaled. "Yes, that is correct. I will stop smoking and thank you very much for your assistance. Michael did make sure to give me the best assistance." He smiled and the nurse took out the god forsaken syringe. He took a metal clipboard and wrote something down. I hate needles.

The nurse started drawing my blood. I winced at the pain and she immediately apologized. Though I wanna terrorize her, I am out of energy right now so I just remained silent. If I'm just a feeling a little well, she would kneel down to beg for my forgiveness.

"You need a LOT of supplements from now on. Skipping meals is not an option and please, I know you're stubborn but listen to me. You don't wanna die, right? We almost lost you that I had to... intubate you. Please, will you just stop dying?" He asked and I remained silent. Do I really wanna die? It seems like it. I don't eat, sleep, laugh, cry, enjoy and love.

"You are committing suicide, Atty. Park. People wouldn't notice it but I do. I'm a doctor and you're a smart lady. You know how to take good care of yourself. You know how to keep yourself alive but you don't, because you wanna die. Why do you wanna die?" I literally am frozen. I am lost for words and I can't answer back like I always used to because I am a goddamn lawyer.

"It's none of your business. I'm alive and i thank the heavens for keeping me so." I said, looking at my fingers.

"You obviously don't care to those who love you." He answered back.

I felt tears form on my eyes. My eyes felt like heavy clouds with rain to shed. This is not good. What if I unconsciously tried to kill myself? What if I am starting to neglect the things that keep me alive? What if that's what's happening? What if I'm already losing my mind.

"Of course not." I firmly said.

"Good girl. We'll leave now and kindly wait here for your hospital meal. You are not allowed any fast food. Korean  food is actually healthy but we don't have that here so you have to settle with cabbage soup, steamed fish and bagels. I specifically asked this for you." He left along with the nurse.

As soon as the door shut. I broke down. I am crying like a child who lost her puppy. I am crying like I'm dying. My heart feels so heavy i want to give up.