Dear Whoever // Malum ✔️

0.5

Dear Whoever,

My brothers name is Miles-Kay, and he is a trans boy. I had always known he was more masculine, when he came out to my family and I, I knew my assumptions of him being an actual him were true.

The came out as trans when he was fourteen. He started testosterone and doing all that masculine stuff that I dont know much about. He did get judged alot in school, he got bullied and picked and prodded at. It rubbed off on me and even though Mali-- I'm sorry Miles, kept his head held high, I didnt. Miles was in high school while I had just started fourth grade when the word got around that Mali was actually Miles.

It also got around that I was the freaky little brother related to "tranny". I was only in fourth grade and had no idea what was going on or why my beautiful big brother was such an awful person. All I knew was that people hated me and that I felt almost as if I deserved the shit I was getting even though I didnt.

If that makes sense.

So little ten year old me was sad, I was sad that I didnt understand what my brother was going though, I was sad that my brother was sad and that my family was sad. I was mostly sad because I had no friends.

I did get a freind at some point, it was my sixth grade year and his name was Luke. He had beautiful blond hair and blue eyes and a personality that was to die for. Luke was always happy and he tried to make everyone else happy. One of those people being me.

Luke and I were best friends and were best friends for another four years until my sophmore year of high school where my sadness and depression had stooped to an all time low, when I was admitted to a phych ward for the second time in my life, and where I had lost my best friend and moved to a private school in hopes to get away.

Luke had never done anything to me, but he never assured me that he was still a friend and that he was working through some things. All I know is one minute he was hugging me goodbye at the school door and the next minute he was standing beside Brian, who was shoving me against the red lockers.

After that I kicked luke in the balls with tears in my eyes and I had ran away, I tried to kill myself, I got into drugs after getting back from my second phych ward vistit. And that leads to where I am today: trying not to snort up whatever is givin to me at the next party I go to, only to fail and get high, get sent home by the cops, then get yelled at by my brother who will then force me to go to another therapy appointment.

So I guess that's the whole story as to why I am writing to whatever I am writing to and why I am needing to write to you in the first place. It is also an explaination as to why I need therapy and why I go to a private school and why I am so so sad.

However none of this explains why I saw the cute boy with the red hair talking to Luke Hemmings like they were best friends as I was walking back from school.

I dont know why I started sobbing and went to get high with two strangers that I dont know the name of. But I did and now I'm back to the start.

Tomorrow is group therapy and I know micheal will be there and I know that when I see him my urge to screw myself up even more will come back and they will make me talk and my anxiety will go through the roof. But right now I'm going to sleep and hope that I never wake up.

- Calum xx