It Should Be Easy

Chapter 35

A/N: We are so sorry. There is no excuse. Please stick with us.

KIANA

It had been less than a day since Annamae had told me about Will. And in that time I barely ate or slept, or even sat still for more than a few moments at a time. The small and distant voice in my head, echoing in the spaces where i was silent for too long, was starting to eat at me, and this new development had only made it louder. I had managed to ignore it by diving into my homework, appreciatively filling my head with the work that tutors assigned, tutors that had been provided for me by Anna. Her overbearing encouragement had made it easier to busy myself. Caira's family's assistants had swiftly retrieved my transcript, and set me up on a fast track to graduate. I was getting some of the best education I ever received. When even that became too redundant, I had taken up cooking, watched 9 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, and become gym obsessed. I lost 11 pounds, and became more lean, even though the bulge on my tummy had hardened past the point of being able to ignore it.

I think Caira's mother allowed me to put my mind on other things consciously. We only spoke about it in front of lawyers and doctors. Other than that, we talked about everything else: fashion, tv, gossip. And I could tell Annamae didn't mind having me around. She allowed my problems to occupy her in an all-consuming way. I think she had been looking for something to do. Her life, before, seemed relatively empty.

She, and everything she had done, kept me sane. If my thoughts got too dark, I would begin spiraling into the depths of my own consciousness, held under the knife of my own guilt, which carved at me like I was a piece of meat. Those nights were the hardest, and I would find myself laying on the bathroom floor, clutching my stomach, wishing away the baby. And then I would realize how sick that was, and cry even harder. Anna would come in, drag my lifeless body back to bed, and hold me as I sobbed until I slipped into a deep sleep. My trust in her came in these quiet moments, where she knew what not to say, and what to do. I trusted that she wanted the best for me - that she was the voice of reason.

And so, for the past few weeks, I didn't want to admit to myself that any self doubt existed. My mind, however, was becoming more feeble against the voice that was telling me this abortion was a bad idea. Anna seemed so sure about the fate of this baby, but my dangerous thoughts were beginning to grow louder, and they were articulating themselves with the quiet strength of something on its death bead. This thing inside of me was going to put up a fight.

So I decided to go to the hospital. I could tell Anna wasn't too happy about it, but it was the right thing to do; to talk about it with his family, and with Will, even if he wouldn't respond. And if I was going to do it, I had to do it now. I now only had two weeks before I was no longer eligible to have a safe abortion.

Quinton found someone to do it, but they refused to do it after the 3-month mark, and they were flying in next week. That would leave me a window of 5 days to decide, but this choice was proving harder to make than I thought.

The hospital felt quite numb. Nurses' hands flitted over the patients with ease and grace, not paying attention to the moans and pains, refusing to think about their stories. The walls did the same; they were sickeningly pale shades of pastel colors, scrubbed raw and clean of panic and terror. It smelled of cleaning supplies and medicine. Doctors looked weary, and assistants looked uninterested.

I disguised myself in the attitude of the hospital quickly, slipping it on like a hospital gown. I would do the scary thing first, then get scared later. What I had to say was long overdue, and I had finally accepted that this thing inside me couldn't go unsaid, and that there would never be a right time.

But my bout of maturity seemed unrealistic and dumb now. I wanted desperately to go home, but it was too late ; I was trapped. I began beating myself up mentally.