They Don't Know About Us

Chapter 29

I ran into the car and told the driver to take me back home to London. I sat there crying the whole way home and I didn’t even give a shit how bad I looked. I thought that Conor would want to spend as much time as he could have with me but I was obviously wrong. He couldn’t be happier to get rid of me and thinking about it over and over again is crushing my heart up more every time. I quickly wiped away the tears and picked up my phone and dialled my mums number. She answered straight away.

“Hey Alise darling! How did it go with Conor? Did he take it well?”

“No. He told me to leave.” I cried down the phone to her for a solid 5 minutes until I finally calmed down. “I still love him though mum. I don’t know how I’m going to do this without him.”

“Hunny, if he wasn’t very reassuring about it all then maybe…maybe he wasn’t the one for you…”

“But he is the one mum! I know he is! Every time he does something to me I feel like my heart is breaking every single fucking time!”

“Watch your language Alise. But maybe it’s not that you love him why it’s hurting, maybe it’s just because you’re not used to feeling this way. Maybe he’s just hurting you emotionally, that doesn’t mean that you LOVE him, you just think you do.”

“No mum you don’t understand. I do love him. I know I do, this isn’t just a little fling.” I used the same words that Simon described mine and Conor’s relationship as. “This is real and now I feel like the bad person here for leaving him to make my dreams come true. Do you know what he said to me? He said that I was sacrificing his dreams to make mine real.”

“What were his dreams?”

“He said that when he was younger, his dream was to be happy. He told me that without me, he can’t be happy and now I feel like a terrible person!”

“Alise, this is not your fault in this. If he truly loved you then he would be supportive and let you go in a…nicer manor, not tell you to leave! He would have been happy for you.” We pulled up outside of my apartment and I thanked the driver.

“I don’t know mum. Look I’ve just got home, I’ll call you later or something.” I said my goodbyes to my mum and made my way to my apartment. I unlocked the door and made my way to my bedroom. I couldn’t leave Conor the way that I did, I had to speak to him again but I couldn’t go and physically see him. An idea occurred to me and I found a piece of paper, an envelope and a pen. I laid down on the floor and began to write.

Dear Conor,

                    I know that you hate me for leaving you but I couldn’t leave you the way that I did. It’s funny how the situation has turned around now isn’t it? It’s me writing the goodbye letter and not you. It’s me leaving now and I wish that you could understand that I wish that I don’t have to move to New York but I have to. After you told me to leave when I told you, I felt a piece of me break inside. A rather large part of me might I add. It seems to me now that you have grown to be a part of myself and now that I don’t have you anymore I feel like a part of me has slipped away. Gone. Never returning. And I just feel so empty now. Without you, what am I? Nothing. You have done so much shit to me but I forgave you. I forgive you. But what I don’t understand is that now that I have done something, why can’t you forgive me? I didn’t do this purposely to hurt you so why can’t you understand that I didn’t wish for this to happen. You know how much I love you and that I would never do this out of spite. I’m doing this because this is what I have dreamed of all my life. I thought that you would be happy for me that I’m finally able to make my dreams come true. Today, the thing you said got me thinking. ‘But I also dreamed that hopefully I’ll be happy. And now I finally thought I was happy and that one of my dreams had come true but now, you’re sacrificing my dream to make yours come true.’ Those were your exact words and I feel like they are imprinted in my brain. Don’t you ever think I’m doing this so you can’t have your dream. You’re not the only one here that is losing their happiness because I am too. I’m losing you and you are my happiness…but I guess you’re also my sadness. You have brought me so much pain but you’re the only one that can make that pain disappear. So as I’m sitting here crying my eyes out, I’m waiting for you to turn up and wipe away my tears and take that pain away. But you’re not coming and you’re not going to wipe away my tears. You’re just going to sit at home and create more of them. Now I’m thinking of what it would be like if you never came up to me on the first day that I met you. We would never have been friends and I would never have fallen in love with you. But do you know what? I’m glad you did come up to me because I don’t regret anything that we have been through. You have taught me to forgive and forget and in a way I’m grateful for what you have done to me because you have made me a stronger person and you have taught me that what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. Now I’m guessing you’re wondering why I’m even writing this letter. I’m writing this letter because I couldn’t leave you the way that I did. No matter what you say or do to me Conor, I will always love you. And I will look back on my life when I’m older and I will remember you. I’ll remember you as ‘the boy I first fell in love with’ and to be quite honest, I don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I love you. People will probably think I’m ridiculous as I’m only 16 and saying that I have found the love of my life. But it’s true, you are the love of my life and I don’t regret falling in love with you one bit. I want to ask you to do one thing for me Conor, just one. Please don’t forget me. Because I won’t forget you. Ever. Even though I’m moving away to New York and I may never see you again, I won’t forget you and I just want you to do the same. I love you Conor. Forever and always. Never forget that. Goodbye Conor.

Alise.x

Ps. Thursday, 1:00pm, Heathrow airport.

I placed the letter in the envelope and wrote Conor’s name and address on the envelope. I sealed away everything I wanted to let out to Conor. I just hope he’ll realise how much he truly means to me now.

(Yeah this isn't the last chapter, i reckon there will be only ONE more so guys get ready to say goodbye to 'they don't know about us'. I love you all. byeee!!)