In The End (On Hold)

f i f t e e n

an:
•banner by anniekvanravenhorst
•update as promised, and on time! oh yeah!
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f i f t e e n

January 11, 2015

"Mason, eat, please," Mom pleaded after watching me for a while.

I'd probably eaten a fourth of my plate and then just stared at the rest. My appetite hadn't been the same since the night I fell asleep with Tommy.

I shook my head. "I woke up earlier and ate before falling asleep again." It was a lie. I've been having trouble going to sleep and I didn't eat in the middle of the night.

Before Mom could say any more, I got up from my seat and muttered a sorry, letting Tommy take the rest of my food. After washing my plate, I passed my family again and silently walked back to my room, closed the door, and lied in bed.

I just need time to myself, I thought.

Grabbing my remote, I switched the TV on and selected a favorite show of mine. Though even watching it, I wasn't laughing, or paying attention even.

The night kept playing over in my head. Mom's words, Dad's responses, and Tommy. The very thought of ever leaving them saddened me to the extent where I thought distancing myself from my family would lessen the pain for everyone.

Nearing the end of the episode, I turned the TV off and decided to just try to go to sleep.

But even then, after only two hours and a half hours of sleep, trying to do exactly that only proved to be a failed attempt.

When I lost interest in the book I'd forgotten Mom bought before the blackout, I figured it was because I was simply sleepy but couldn't go to sleep for some reason. I tried rereading one of my favorite books, looking up strange facts about math I hadn't known before, and just going on my phone, but nothing seemed to entertain me as much as it used to.

Twenty minutes after deciding to do nothing, there was a knock on my bedroom door. I looked up from my sitting position on my floor to see Athena standing at the entrance of my room, smiling.

She came over and sat beside me. "How are you Mason?" she asked. Over the past few days, Athena noticed my sudden change in mood, and so she took it upon herself to come see me everyday to see how I was doing, dragging Matt and Callum along. Today they weren't here. I told them not to come.

It was time I try to tell Athena the truth.

Not that I was ready. Because avoiding Athena turned out to be of no use, I figured telling her about myself may have her running. Save the pain for both of us when I'm dead.

"Mason? You okay?" Athena asked when I disregarded her first question.

"I'm fine" My tone was passive and from the look she was giving me, Athena didn't believe a word I said.

She sighed. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Instead of answering her directly I nudged her and continued to ask, "Remember a couple days ago when I told you that you didn't know the whole truth about me either?" I fell to my back, preparing myself. I grabbed her hand, not only for her comfort, but for mine as well. "When we met at the hospital, I wasn't there because Callum got in a car crash." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I was there because my leukemia was switched back over to acute."

Quickly, Athena stood to her feet and turned to look at me on the floor. "What?"

I mirrored her actions, knowing what I just told her was serious. "I have leukemia, and before we met, it got worse." I put it bluntly for her sake. I heard tones of voices affect the people around you. So I was trying not to make it sound like a big deal.

There was no sympathy on her face, only tears and sadness.

"I swear if cancer keeps at it, the world will be full of selfish, disgusting people." She said.

"You don't mean that."

"Why not?" she asked through a sob.

"Because, you're not selfish. Sure as hell not disgusting."

And then I turned around and messed with the stuff on my desk, because I couldn't look at Athena at the moment.

After a moment of silence, I turned back around, expecting to see my room empty of anyone else's presence. But Athena stood where I last saw her, tears sliding down her face.

"You're not gone." None of this was going along with the plan.

She shook her head and walked toward me, wrapping her arms around me in a hug. "That's because I'm staying," she said softly. I hugged her back, setting my chin on her head.

We stayed like that for a minute before she pulled back and looked at me. She looked hesitant for a moment, but then she smiled and put her hands on my shoulders. Standing on her toes, she leaned up and pulled me down, pressing her lips against mine, bringing memories of the party back.

A few seconds passed before I was pulling away. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was to tell Athena, she would leave and find this wonderful person to be with, I would die. She'd be saving me from pain most of all, because I was falling for her, no matter how sacred admitting that made me.

I gulped. "You--you should go." I stepped away from Athena, hating to see the look of hurt that grew on her face.

She took a deep breath before stepping away, and then completely walking out of my room quickly.

I barely had ten second of sighing and plopping on my bed before Athena came marching back into my room. "You know what, no. You can't do that. I like you. You kiss me at the party, and then completely ignore me. You can't lead me on and then hurt me."

I pursed my lips and avoided her eyes before saying, "I'm just this stupid guy who's going to die anyway. And then you're going to be hurt after that. No matter how many times I try to deny it, I do think about what my future could be like. I thought about it before I was diagnosed. I was supposed to meet someone and become a teacher, get married and have kids, grow old, and then die. But that's not going to happen, is it? I was just supposed to die. But then I met a girl. Except, I'm still going to die. You can't like me, Athena."

Athena nodded. "Yeah, it's going to hurt like hell if you're gone--"

"When," I interrupted.

She sighed and sat beside me. "If you're gone, but I like you and you're not like other guys I've met. And I'd rather know what it feels like and then be hurt than to be left wondering forever what could have been."

I shook my head. "I . . . I can't do that to you."

She placed her hand on my knee. "Just--sleep on it."

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an:
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next chapter update goal: next sunday