When I Can't Do Anything Else

Lost time, lost people

I can remember the time when we were still close. A time where the irony of our anonymity was more of a fleeting light that showered me with delight, a time where everything I thought was supposed to make sense, but didn't. It was a time that passed, and a time that was, a moment in life that was stranger than fate; I miss it more than the time we have today.

I can't help but feel distant, or feel the need to distance myself from other people. It's as if I'm purposely pushing them away without me consciously knowing it. I know I'm a bit too complex to befriend, hell, I can't even figure out the shit I'm dealing with, but I do know this— I want to be more than I am right now; not just for me, but for the other people time had its clasps onto. The hollow embers of my soul flicker dimly, fading out into a breath of smoke that makes my eyes water. This hollowness gives me a knack to dissociate from everything else, not a care for the world, but this is exactly the reason why I can't balance this. I go into my small bubble of ignorance for other people, but the thing is, time keeps on moving forward, whether I seem to dislike this notion, it just does.

People talk as time winds it clock, people laugh as hours go by, people love as time flies; I am left with nothing but the frustrating feeling of not knowing the inevitable, of not knowing what has happened in the lives of many that I know and met. I'm angry for not being there, constantly bickering inside my head, saying, "It's my fault, isn't it?". A gap has made its way to make a chasm between them and I, and it's partially my fault, too. If I could just go back in time, the time where the irony of delightful anonymity was crowding the edges of my world, I could've saved all of my concerns and worries, casted them aside and focused more on what I was looking into. I should have focused more than to keep an image clean and untainted. I should have focused in the friends that I had met, for I was focused too much on myself to not look as much as a joke than I already am. I left everything to this brief anonymity, and I guess I left everyone in their faceless persona as if that I was meeting them for the first time again and again, while they have been building the foundations of friendship, breaking the mask of namelessness. I was stuck meeting them again from the first hello, when all I had to do was accept the time we had that kept on going. It took was a small mistake, to lead into one big, ugly mess. A butterfly effect that ravaged my world with a storm, and affected my friendship with others.

While this piece may look a bit downtrodden, I assure you, I am not. A bit sad, yes, but not to the point of mourning. I regret for not keeping up with the conversation, and that was my fault for shying away inside my awkward bubble. I was too defensive; will I ever be a friend to them that could last forever? Or even for a meantime, will I? The answer is no. I kept my mask on when other people willingly gave up theirs for me. And for that, I am sorry to the people I have lost. I lost myself once, and I brought myself back, heart and mind still intact, albeit a bit bruised from the journey. But, with the people you meet in reality? That's a harder one to retrieve. Once they've gone, they're gonna stay gone; even when you and the other people are in close proximity, the distance of your bodies will be inches away, but your hearts will never be connected— eyes that never reach each other. A civil 'hello' from a person that you could've been more closer can hurt like you couldn't even imagine.

Time itself had its reason why it was never meant to be, and why time instead gave me my friends that stuck by me now. It was purposely laid there to be, then not be. I suppose this will ready me for something in the coming future, but even with this thinking, it's still unfair, but that's just that, I guess. People lost, and time wasted; don't lose yourself in the moment, let the moment be, and thrive in the memory of it. Let it be the guiding light that narrows you down to the path you ought to choose. Friends will leave, and new ones will come— it's just up to you how you'll handle it, and I daresay that you handle it everything you are. Because who you are is the most important thing in this life. Drop the mask and break the anonymity, and time lost with the right people will be the greatest thing you will ever happen to keep.

//k.u.

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NOTE: Picture is mine (: