When I Can't Do Anything Else

Sincerely, K.

I've never felt this lightness in a very long time now, and I feel so indifferent by this sudden revelation of change.

The iciness in my shoulders, melted; no evidence of any obstruction that could possibly hold them stiff and cold.

My hands, no longer having the appetency to hold your unreachable heart. It's as if I dropped a weight in my hand, a heaviness that tortured my joints and bones relentlessly, and unknowingly misplaced it somewhere. I can still feel the ache in my fingers, stretched close enough to oblivion, but then again, they're the ones that made me realize my oblivion.

My eyes, never flicking to meet yours. It was a matter of time I got over your eyes; filled with stories that I'll never get to hear, leaking out the emotions that you always execute like a professional - the songs in your inquisitive irises. I finally detached that profound longing to stare into your universe, and for you to stare right back. I loved your eyes, but they're just for somebody else to admire, now.

My mind, tripping on multiple wires, front and back, stuck in a headlock of feathery freedom; I feel afloat, like I've just escaped a cage made of metaphorical iron - the ones that contradicts itself, the ones that you thought you saw, but isn't tangibly there. My mind's in a half-filled wonder, constantly taking a step skyward, scared to fall down again in the ground. Thoughts and epiphanies, sometimes about you, sometimes about the inevitable tomorrow, or just schoolwork, yeah, maybe schoolwork and stress; sometimes my mind wanders back to you, but I just keep smiling, and resume my business, thank the internet, ths wifi speed, the books, and keep typing on the drafts I've been writing sometime this week. Yeah, I always ponder about it, but it never goes back to me in full force, it's just like a passing firefly; I see the dim light of the recesses of my mind, and see the warmth, the pain, the hardship, the memories, and all of it at once - I'm not sidetracked, and it's not a ruse, it's half of my wonder, greeting me once in a while. I'm happy. I hope you are, too.

And guess what, my heart's not losing blood, or burning - last time I've seen it, it wasn't as bruised as I thought it would be; perfectly efficient, still beating and alive, and no signs of contraband found near my heart's vicinity. My heart's not heavy with deep-rooted love as it was before, not anymore a threat to my ribcage and chest, that could've carved a perfect hole into flesh and bone; no more a fist-sized bullet that could potentially drag me along a kilometer long. The love that I've been pining is gone, and decisions and indecisions have left my heart that has experienced too much, too early. I had loved and gave love too much, and I found my downfall in this pit of unsatisfied excruation; I've learned how to jump higher, and now I overlook that void filled with unappreciated affection and immense love. My heart not tying in knots when I see you, or doing dangerous flips, or that intensly warm, fuzzy feeling that feels like I'm burning on the inside out. I've all went past that, and now I'm in the road to fixing a forgotten smile.

I don't regret loving you, I swear, I don't. I've found something stronger in me, a new coating to my malleable layer of expectation. You showed me a dream, not to be mistaken as a false vision, but a goal in life. I've learned my hopes and dreams because of you, and I treasure the moments I've spent stupidly brooding over you.

Love is such a tricky emotion, yeah?
It throws you in an onslaught of gunfire,
Or either bathe you in the light of infinite stars,

I guess I'm on my path in finding love, or when it finds me,
A pen in my hand, and a curious mind,
What else should I explore, hm?
Giving in, and giving out,
My short inhale, and long exhale,
Finding comfort in stability,
Not anymore unsteady,
My heart's not a mess,
I hope I'll find the right person who will,

I've never felt this lightness in a long time now;

I know some feelings will still linger,
But I know for a fact
That I've loved you enough
To accept and forgo

To finally let go

And that was okay, //k.u.

***

(Note: one of my longest written piece yet XD)