c o n n o r
WARNING could be triggering:
tantrums
when the door opened we all looked up that way, seeing troye breaking down in tears, again. before anyone could say anything he started talking. 'i-i don't w-wanna t-talk..' he cried and ran upstairs.
he left us all speechless and we all thought the same. what the fuck happened.
'should i..' his mom started.
'i don't think that's a good idea. give him some space.'
since everyone was quiet we could hear troyes sobs. i was so sensitive, it made me almost cry too. poor troye..
-
after an hour or two i decided to go check on him. i slowly walked into his room, seeing him staring at nothing while sitting on his bed. he didn't cry anymore but his eyes were really puffy and red.
'do you mind if i..'
'no. come in..' he whispered, it sounded like he couldn't use his voice or he would cry again. i sat down next to him. and when i did that, he jumped in my arms.
'we broke up.' he whispered, letting down some tears.
i held him tight. 'oh troye..'
'i hate love! god, i hate it! it never works out for me and i always end up hurting! i hate it i fucking hate it!' he sobbed.
i knew he had his angry moment right now so i didn't say anything.
'i-it's so unfair!' he said and let go of me. he started pulling at his hair and scratching his arms.
'troye hey!' i grabbed his arms, his body was still moving and he wanted me to let go of him.
'calm down troye!' i said. it didn't help, he was loosing his mind. 'troye do you hear me!' i said a little louder. his hands were reaching to his wrists but i didn't let him hurt himself.
suddenly tyde came in, i knew he heard me screaming. he helped me grabbing troyes arms to make him stop moving and it finally helped.
'l-let g-g-go!' he cried, screamed and sissed at the same time.
suddenly he his whole body was shaking and his face became more red. he tried reaching for the glass that was placed on his bureau and threw it at the wall. the glass shattered in pieces.
i knew we couldn't hold him back any longer so i pushed him on the bed and laid him down. i sat on his lap and grabbed his hands. i placed them beside his head and looked at him. he tried to catch his breath. 'listen to me, it's okay.'
'l-let g-go..' he said.
'no.' i said.
he was breathing heavily, and i knew he wanted me to let go of him but right now he just had to stay still and look at me. his body stopped shaking and he stopped moving. after a minute or two i got off his waist, knowing he had calmed down. he didn't say anything, he kept staring at the wall. i was scared that he would do something else so i kept holding his hands.
he blinked a couple times before speaking. 'tyde..'
'troye.. since when..'
'i-i don't know..'
i didn't know what they were talking about, what was going on?
'i-i need to get some water..'
'troye..' tyde said.
'no. i'm okay now.' he said and walked downstairs.
i took a look at the room, seeing the glass shattered in pieces on the ground and the sheets on the floor.
'tyde what was that? what were you guys talking about?'
'troye used to have tantrums.. he would totally loose his mind and become really angry. but um.. when he met you, he stopped having them. he became more.. calm. i think it came back because now he lost matthew too.'
'oh my god.. he never told me this.'
'he doesn't like talking about it. i always told him to talk to a therapist but he refused to do that.'
this was too much for me to process. 'i can't believe he never told me this..'
'and i can't believe it came back. i need to talk to him about this.' he said and walked downstairs.
i sighed and stared at the broken glass. i cleaned it up and tried not to hurt myself. i still can't believe what just happened and to be honest i was really scared. i was scared for him. what if it really comes back? what if this will happen a lot?
i didn't wanna think like that, so i repeated the next words to myself.
i will be there for him through it all.
-
so
i never write triggering things because i really don't know how to write it, but i used to have tantrums about a year ago. i was 12 and it was always something terrifying to me. i used to throw things around and break down in tears, i kept screaming and someone had to hold me to hold me back for doing things i would regret. i know i didn't write this that good, it's really hard for me to write something i know the feeling off. it reminds me how i always felt.
but like i said, i USED to have them. i totally understand if you don't like a therapist. for the people who are going through this, you don't have to force yourself to go to a therapist. because trust me, your closest family member or closest friend can help you too. it may not seem like it, but talking does a lot of things. words are powerful. the person you trust can really calm you down and their words can really make your day better. it makes you stronger and it will help you hold back your anger.
i remember when i always tried to hold back my anger i began to shake, because i wasn't used to doing nothing. but it did kept me in control. sometimes i would just cry it out instead of showing my anger. crying can hurt you too, because you start to feel sad. but it's so much better when you just let everything out instead of being angry.
sorry that i talk too much, i just wanna be here for the people who have issues with this, or the people with panic attacks and more things that can relate to that. we all feel the same, it's a terrible feeling and we don't know how to control it.
if you ever feel like you need to talk to somebody, i'm here for you. message me. you're not alone and you'll never be.
if you want to comment what you're going through and maybe someone who can relate to you can talk to you, you can talk to each other. message each other. talking helps. it really does.
i love you guys
