I Am

c a r t e r

I am c a r t e r.

And she is b e a u t i f u l.

So I p a n i c k e d.

When she walked past me, bumping my arm with her small body, I could barely breathe, let alone speak. And it wasn't because of her breathtaking b e a u t y, or the graceful way she held herself. It was because my mind when blank.

Well, blank of all normal things to say. My thoughts happened to be repeating things like

Don't say anything, you'll just embarrass yourself.

Wait, no, you need to apologize, you don't want her to think you're obnoxious.

But she hasn't said sorry either.

So am I not supposed to? Is it weird if I say it first?

Oh no, she just said something. What do I do?

You know, just the likes of a normal social interaction.

At that point I realized that it probably was weird that we were just staring at each other. Her eyes had gone from confusion, to concern, to nervousness.

All the things you want the girl you like to feel when you look at her.

The concern seemed the weirdest though.

Then I heard an odd noise and realized that the look must have stemmed from the fact that I was literally choking on my words. And so the "sorry" that was stuck in my throat was making a bit of a strangled sound.

When I realized that this was the closest I had ever been to j e s s i e I got even more flustered. I had never been near enough to see how her eyes were more of a milk chocolate than a dark chocolate, and how the curls in her hair really did make her look like a princess and how her lips-

"C'mon man. I think we should go," b e n laughed.

"Sorry," I said to j e s s i e. In reality I think it sounded more like a whisper.

And then the next thing I knew she was gone.

I turned to b e n, who was unsuccessfully trying to hide his smile, and gave him a distressed look.

"Why did you let me stare at her for an hour like that?! I seem like a freak."

I was already running the situation over in my head again when b e n answered.

"C'mon dude, it was just a second," he smiled. "Still the longest you've ever spoken to her, but still."

That should've been a relief but all I could think was, "It was still an abnormally long time to take to apologize to someone for bumping into them." 

"c a r t e r, you're just freaking out because it was j e s s i e," b e n said with a cheeky grin and a wink. "You're in love."

"I don't love anyone. You can barely even like someone you've never spoken to. Besides," I sighed, running a hand through my hair, "I don't think that's the issue."

"Well, now you can like her because you've officially had your first conversation."

I forced myself to return a smile to b e n ' s grin, but I could feel the tightness of it.

"I wouldn't necessarily constitute saying 'sorry' as a conversation."

b e n just patted me on the back and steered me towards our next class. "One step at a time bro, one step at a time."

But if it really is one step at a time, why does thinking about progress make me want to throw up?

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HI GUYS!!!

I'm finally back from my long (and unintentional) break!

Hope things have been less crazy for you then they have been for me, and I know I promise this every time, but I really will try to update again soon. Until then, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Feel free to drop a like and a comment, I really appreciate the feedback!

m. p a r k e r :)