I Am

r y a n

I am r y a n.

And I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Right now I guess I have a routine; be the benched athlete in a crowd of "p o p u l a r" kids, say what I'm supposed to, and conform to s t e r e o t y p e s.

The days are blurs, and the weeks are memories of a boy with no idea what he's doing.

I go to school.

I play sports.

I go to parties.

I repeat.

I suppose they're just regular things. The mundane life we all lead.

But I want to be more. I don't just want to be "r y a n the p o p u l a r guy."

It sucks.

Its not who I really am.

Of course, I don't know who I really am, so for all I know it is...

I just know that despite the blurry days I have clear moments.

The moments that I regret.

Like today at lunch.

"Hey a n d r e a," d a n i e l calls. "How ya plan on going into modeling if you eat that? I mean your face is nothing surgery can't fix, but you're practically an elephant right now."

Thats a lie.

She's beautiful, I know it and so does d a n i e l. I'll bet she knows it too.

So she just looks at him. She looks at her sandwich. She looks at me.

Long and hard, she looks at me.

Then she sits next to her friend j e s s i e and starts eating.

I admire her so much.

He taunts her so often and she never gives in.

Even I'm mean to her sometimes.

I don't know why.

I just have to; society wants me to.

And d a n i e l would get mad if I didn't.

I don't want to be on d a n i e l ' s bad side.

I don't want to repeat the way things used to be.

But a n d r e a just keeps going, ignoring the insults.

You are stupid.

You are ugly.

You are useless.

You are fat.

She isn't, not any of those things. So she just stares, always directly at me, and then eats her food.

I would say its b u l l y i n g, but she's clearly not affected, and its all in good fun. d a n i e l ' s loved her since the second grade; he just wants her attention.

She doesn't give it to him.

She just stares at me and then her food.

And then she eats.