I Am

b u l i m i a n e r v o s a

I am b u l i m i a n e r v o s a.

I am the need (the hunger if you will) to purge and then to binge.

I am the desire to overeat and to then give your gag reflex a workout.

I did not ask to be here, you brought me upon yourself.

Although I suppose you could blame i n s e c u r i t y for my existence. We are closely related, the best of friends, i n s e c u r i t y and I. Then again, i n s e c u r i t y has many friends, and affects nearly everyone.

I affect perhaps what in your eyes may seem to be few, but what others see as many. That all depends on your perspective.

Perspective: one of the reasons I came to be.

It's quite ironic wouldn't you say? They try to get s k i n n y, to look healthier, to lose weight.

They just cause themselves pain, self harm, and quite honestly, look worse than when they started.

But I've never understood people, and I don't plan on trying.

I'll just keep popping up, a little itch on the frontal lobe of your brain, saying that you aren't good enough, telling you to consume and devour, and then to free yourself from your current reflection by vomiting.

It may not sound appealing, but I don't sugarcoat. I for one, am confident in myself.

After all, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am spread far and wide and I do my job very well. You can have me for years, perhaps your whole life if we get along. And wouldn't that be nice? Having an extra little thought in the back of your mind, telling you how to react to food?

And if I haven't found a home within you, you're lucky, because I tend to stick around. It also means you aren't completely unhappy with your weight yet. . . unless you have a n o r e x i a. Please don't confuse me with a n o r e x i a. You may cross that path when you get there, if you ever do.

But you would know the difference between the two of us if you have me. Because you know when you have me.

You're conscious of the fact that I am a part of you, and you despise that.

But I'm only here because you despised yourself in the first place.

So truly, you are the one to blame for my existence.