Imagining Steve

Soldier Part One

This soldier arc will be in small bits and pieces. They'll be short, but end up creating a story line in the end that should probably be pretty feelsy.

Star

"The world owes the Avengers an un-payable debt. You've fought for us, protected us, risked your lives. And while there are a great many people who see you as heroes, there are some who prefer the word 'vigilantes'." Senator 'Thunderbolt' Ross; I couldn't decide if he was obnoxious because of his words, or if it was because of his attitude. Either way, he was full of shit.

I stared down at my hands, or more specifically stated at Steve through the corner of my eye. He looked tired, like after all he had been through, he just wanted a break. He looked like a man who had seen everything and just wanted it all to end so that he could do his job.

I knew him, I knew him better than maybe anyone else who wasn't dead, dying, or a psychotic super-assassin. Things hadn't gotten romantic between us; the events in Sokovia and now the government problems, had made our time far too busy. Before that, things had been hectic searching for Loki's scepter. And before that, I hadn't known he was alive until the battle of New York.

I was super-soldier number two. I had never met Steve before we were both transformed into super soldiers back in the 40s. And life was a whirlwind before we were both frozen in that plane.

I wanted to reach out and put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but I wasn't about to do that in front of Secretary Ross. I also didn't want to do anything that might freak Steve out, or surprise him by being obvious about how I felt. There would have to be time to sort that all out later. That's what I kept telling myself. I had to be a soldier for him right now, not that I wasn't used to that.

"And what word would you use, Mr. Secretary?" I glanced up, trying not to make my tone too mocking, or my gaze too hard.

"How about "Dangerous?" What would you call a group of US-based, enhanced individuals who routinely ignore sovereign borders and inflict their will wherever they choose and who, frankly, seem unconcerned with what they leave behind."

"New York," the screen in the conference room changed, and I stared in bleak horror at images I had tried to suppress for years. The battle of New York was when I'd gotten a chance to fight alongside the Avengers, but it was also the first time I had ever seen a child die.

"Washington D.C.," I winced, those memories much fresher. I'd been fighting my own friends that day, people I had known who had turned out to be Hydra operatives. But worst of all, I'd helplessly watched Steve go down with that helicarrier.

"Sokovia," I glanced over to Wanda, my heart aching for her now. I still saw her crying around the base, I could still find her with a numb look on her expression.

"Lagos..." I watched Wanda's face fall further as the screen changed to images of this most recent disaster.

"Okay, that's enough." Steve looked at Ross, and the general nodded. Wanda looked down and away from everyone, her eyes fixated on the grain of the table.

"You do remember that you wanted to throw a nuclear bomb at New York? That it was your government's program that was hijacked by Hydra for 50 years? That the government had a hand in the experimenting in Sokovia? That it was, in fact, Tony who made Ultron? You cannot blame an entire group of people who do the best they can- a group of people who are no more perfect than anyone else- for the choices and actions of individuals!" I stood from my chair, slamming my fist down on the table. I swore that smoke could be rising from my ears I was so angry.

We save people! We're the police not the clean up crew! We save the world, but that doesn't mean that it's our job to magically clean up the mess, too! Casualties happen in war. If a bomb squad had done the same things in Lagos you'd hand them all medals. You and your document are full of bullshit, and I'd die before I signed over the rights to the freedom that Steve and I paid the ultimate price for. We all have been face to face with death to protect people. So you can take those accords and shove them up your ass-"

"Elsie." Steve's voice was a low growl, and I looked back at him. I could see the righteous anger in the back of his eyes- I knew that he agreed. But I also knew that I had stepped over a line and had not made things better for us. I cursed myself. The anger in me shifted, and I couldn't help but be angry with Steve, too. Why wouldn't he just stand up to this? Why wouldn't he just grow a damn spine- I stopped the fury in it's tracks. I was a soldier. He was my captain. I obeyed orders.

I immediately pushed my chair back and left the table after saying a quiet, "Apologies." To the table. I kept my posture submissive, and I let the anger fall out of me. I didn't want to add to Steve's problems.

*skip*

I stood in the back of the room, watching Steve and T'Challa speak. I hadn't been able to stop looking at Bucky's face as he slipped under. We had lost so much... Steve and I...

Peggy. My mentor, his love.

Bucky, our friend.

Tony, our brother.

We didn't know where Bruce or Thor were, and now we needed to run off and catch up with the rest of our team.

I tried very hard not to think of Sharon Carter. That had been hard- to see him so obviously wrapped up in the thought of someone else. But I was used to it. As much as I had loved Peggy like a sister, the fact that she had held Steve's attention had always made me jealous. Maybe it was just that fiery spark running through the Carter family that captivated him. That was fine. I wasn't entitled to control who Steve loved. But I wasn't in control of what I felt for him.

Whatever it was, it hurt. I was a bit sick of hurting. But that's what I did. Because I was a soldier and I had a job to do. Loyalty to Steve and Bucky and my team and the people of earth. I was an Avenger. But I think that word meant much more now. I was Avenging my fallen world, the loss of my past, the loss of my life, the loss of those who died, and the loss of the love from the people that we fought so hard to protect.

It broke me to pieces. It broke me to see Wanda chained and collared. To see Sam's wings broken. To see Scott hurting- even if I hadn't known him long. What really hurt, however, was that Clint had stuck with us besides the fact that he had a family. It killed me when we met with and picked up Sharon Carter. The look's between them, the bond, the growing romance.

It felt better when we finally got Tasha back. She was a huge source of comfort. She knew how I felt. One look into each other's eyes and we knew that we had each other to cry on because her love was God knows where- and mine was following another woman. It hurt to see the others bond. It was painful when our headquarters became like a home, because it felt empty to me.

At moments I could feel... And then it was gone and I felt like a stranger again.

But I was a soldier. And soldiers didn't have a home. We just made other's safer. I don't know what I had ever expected to happen, or to feel. So I threw myself into the only thing that I knew. Work. Doing good. Saving others.

I was a soldier.