Trust is earned. (Dedicated to radicalshailene)

Just my thoughts

Hi guys. The following note is just me spilling my thoughts out. Read it or don't I couldn't care less. I just needed to get this off my chest. I've never told anyone this stuff and it's nice to know I said it to someone. Even if it's strangers on the Internet. This will also explain why I don't post as much on the book even though I really love doing so. Soooo yeah. Btw didn't proof read this at all so sorry for the many many grammar mistakes

For the past year I've dealt with a mom who is fighting addiction. She's battled addiction my whole life and recently was the worst part for her. She couldn't be a mom anymore. All my life she hid it and continued to still be a mom through her struggles. This past summer it started with her telling my step dad she wants a divorce. My step dad has been like a father to me since I was 8 years old. He moved in with his parents till he got in his feet.
He worked overnight. He got off work at 5 am. He worked an hour and a half away so he would rush to my moms house because he loved to take us to school and didn't want to give that up. He went to work at 5. He would pick us up from school and risk being late just because he wanted to still be there for us. All this was difficult enough to deal with then my mom moved her new boy friend in. He was a total ass. He was also a manipulator. He convinced me he was my real father. He and my mom were friends before I was born FYI. He said that because he knew I never wanted to meet my father because of who I had been told he was. He said that my family had lied to me and he was my real father. It worked. I did like him for a period of time because....well idk maybe because I have brain issues. Anyway we stayed with my mom and her boyfriend for a little while. That is until she sent us to live with my step dad. She said she couldn't take care of us anymore. She said it was only for a few months until she it on her feet. She also promised she would see us everyday.
My step dad was living with my grandparents at the time and my mom basically forced him to get a house. We had friends who lived in Maryland but owned a house in Florida. They offered to let us rent it from them. So we moved in there in August. My mom didn't see us everyday. She didn't even see us every week. It was hard for me. On my birthday u needed up getting mad at my dad and calling my mom. I was just so used to going to her with all of my problems I didn't think before I acted. She and her boyfriend pulled up and my mom went inside the house. I waited outside with her boyfriend because I didn't want to be around them. Things apparently got out of control and my grandma (moms mom) called the cops on her. Yep great birthday. I talked to the cops them went to hang out with some friends. That night I went back to my moms and stayed with her. She told me I could move back in. The next day her and her boyfriend had a fight and broke up. That's when she told me that I couldn't move back in after all. I just went through the pain of telling my step dad I was leaving and she told me I couldn't go back to my home. It killed me. Her and her boyfriend ended up getting back together but they got evicted from my home so j could never go back there again. My mom and her boyfriend dated and she ended up leaving him on thanksgiving eve. She and my dad were supposed to work it out. She left a few days later. She was back with her boyfriend. Christmas came. My grandpa got me a dog. My mom came back on Christmas Eve. (For some reason she showed up on the holidays idk) she and my dad were trying again. When I bought the dog they didn't tell me he was sick. Instead of letting me take him to a vet my mom convinced my dad to get rid of him. I almost lost my mind. She thought she could leave me and then come take my happiness. She stayed for New Years then left a few days later. Back with her boyfriend /drug supplier. It was better she was gone. When she was there she always left at night and didn't come home till the next morning. The following months were hard. I have trust issues and my mom had been the only person I ever trusted in my life. I also had abandonment issues and my mom had been the only person that never left me. You can't imagine the pain I went through. Randomly during the day my chest would hurt and it would feel like my lungs were collapsing. I couldn't breath it was terrible. Then the people we were renting the house from said they needed their house back so we had to move yet again. But for 3 weeks we had to live with their family too. Two families under one roof. At this time my dad had gone back to his old job where he was gone for 3 weeks and home for 1. He hates that job but with four kids to take care of he needs the money.
My aunt needed up moving to Virginia taking my cousin(best friend) with her. We decided to live in their house. For the first few days the reminder of her being gone was hard but I got through it. My mom came back about 2 weeks ago. She's doing better. We have to watch what we say. We're all being careful hoping it's enough that we don't push her over the edge. Hopefully she stays this time. There were many times during this past year where I felt like suicide was an easier option for me than dealing with the pain. I thank the lord that I should e my brother and sisters or else I
Would have done it. I would literally lay In a ball on the bathroom floor and sob. I wished for death. I didn't want to be alive I didn't want the pain. I had no one. The only perish I trusted had left me. She may be back now but that doesn't erase what she did. I love her and I'm trying to forget but I'm damaged. I have nightmares every damn night. My biggest fear is that she will go over the edge and leave again I fear for her but I fear more for me. I don't know what I will do to myself if I lose her again. I'm not sure how much more pain I can take. I mean how much is too much for a person to bear?