I decided to live on the edge. I dont feel the need to protect my own life anymore, i have nothing to live for. I lost the person i thought was my soul mate over some low life loser who wanted to get in my pants. I lost my brother because after i lost my "soul mate" i turned into a zombie. No one brings up that rough time but i know thats all they see me as. This fragile little person they have to be careful around. I dont expect anything else because thats how i was. I snapped at everyone bt no one cared. I ignored my friends because they had been HIS friends too. I ignored his friends because the only way i had met them was through him. I didnt mean to but i let him leaving take over my life. I wasnt letting that continue. I was going to be a real person again, not a ghost of a person like i was. I had a good reason to behave that way but people dont understand it. People dont understand how broken i was, how messed up this left me. For the first few months every time i thought about him it felt like i was dying. Im so tiered of being afraid all the time. Afraid that I'll turn back into that person. I dont want to do that anymore. I want real happiness. I dont want to put a smile on my face tp hide my real feelings. I want to smile and mean it. When I laugh i want it to be a real laugh not a facade. Im done being an actress and im done putting on a show for everyone to pretend that im okay. Im going to do everything i have to do to be okay again, i dont care what anyone says about the ways i find to be happy. I just want to be happy.
The tall stranger says something that i dont catch because im still having a war with myself. This war inside my head is like the Revolutionary War. Im fighting for freedom just like those America Colonists. Im like them but different, my fight is not a fight for freedom from a government or a king. my fight is a fight for freedom from my self and my depression. (Im so sorry if i offend anyone with this reference. I know that not all of you are American but i am and this is what i thought of so not to be mean but deal with it.) I look up at the stranger waiting for him to repeat what he said. "I asked what your name was." "Oh sorry i was off in my own world. my name is Tris. Whats your name?" "Im Eric. So i have a question." "I have an answer." i replied with a smirk on my face. "What are you doing here? Not trying to be rude im glad you came but... I've never seen you around.'' "I was walking by and thought it might be fun to go to a party.'' i said as casually as i could muster. No need to throw in that i was actually walking to get away from my thoughts and the only reason im still talking to him is to drive away the pain my ex-boyfriend left behind when he abandoned me. "So your a bad girl?" "That depends. Do you like bad girls?" "Your naughty and i like that. Theres something about you though. You just seem so tense you need to relax a little." I laugh a little as i answer. "You have no idea." "Well i have someways you could calm down." "Really what is it I'll try anything."
he leads me to a room in the back of the house instead of answering me. When i et in the room the familiar smell hits me at once. Its a smell i would know anywhere but hoped i would never smell again. He took refer right out of a girls hand. She gave a look but didn protest. "This baby girl is how i calm down." "Isntt that against the law?" i ask my voice shaking. "No, theres a loophole actually. its illegal to have possession of it but not illegal to smoke it." he says smiling. Im not even really paying attention to what hes saying. my mind keeps playing back to the days when i would sit with my group of "friends" and smoke, snort, anything i could do to take the pain away. It never completely took the pain away but it numbed the aching parts. It moved the pain to the back of my mind so i no longer had to focus on the feeling of what i had suffered through. I may have been broken when i started dating HIM but i was way worse before we really started to get to know each other. I've known him since pre-k but he never knew about my drug addition. No one did. I dont know how but i did a hell of a job hiding it. The only people that ever knew were my dealers.
I've been clean for years and now here i am ready to throw away all that progress to get over some tan, blue eyed heartbreak who abandoned me. Thats what the rational side of me was saying.That side of me was controlled by my brain. To bad i was listening to the irrational side, otherwise known as my heart. Instead of doing what i needed to do, walk away and find someone else to hang with, i did what i wanted to do. I toook the refer from his hand and smoked like a pro. Not only refer bu then came coke, molly, and marijuana. In between all of that i took a few shots. More than a few i think i drank a whole liquor bottle by myself. I was never much of a drinker but right now i wasnt in my right mind. i wasnt thinking with my brain i was thinking with my heart and my heart wanted to forget all of the pain and the hell HE put me through and so i forgot it all. One way or anoher for one night i was finally rid of the pain and guilt i had held in me for so long.
Hey guys! I just wanted o say thank you too you all. I need a favor to ask for anyone who wants to make me a new cover it would be much appreciated. if you make one you can email it too me at msnavely10180113 at gmail.com or snap chat it to me makayla10180113 thanks so much. Luv yall
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Trust is earned. (Dedicated to radicalshailene)
随机Tris and Four have always hated each other. Will one night at a party change that? What happens when Tris learns secrets about Four she could have never thought were true?
