Once Again

9

Sam decided to take Dean back to the bunker after that.
Dean was in no condition to be driving. Both boys knew it but didn't say it aloud. It just came to pass that Sam slid into the driver's seat and Dean into the back, silently without saying a word.
His eyes were fixed on the road and outside and everywhere else except for Sam. Sometimes his eyes flooded up with tears again, blocking his vision entirely. He didn't snuffle or make any type of noise that would indicate he was crying but somehow Sam knew, even without turning around.
There really wasn't any word in any dictionary that could properly explain how Dean was currently feeling at that moment.

When they got to the bunker, Dean got out of baby and walked slowly into their home.
Sam didn't know if Dean had heard him say that he was going to the hotel to collect their stuff and he'd be back real soon, but something told him Dean needed a few minutes to be on his own.

Dean wiped away his tears, telling himself to stay strong and to stop fucking crying. He didn't think it would work but it was worth a shot.
He went up to his room and started trashing everything. When he was done he collapsed into tears once again on the bed. He didn't know how long he stayed like that or how long he cried but when Sam saw him he looked concerned.

"Dean? Dean what the hell did you do?"

Dean didn't answer but sitted himself up on the bed. His eyes were bloodshot red and blotchy and he carelessly wiped them for no reason. As if it would approve his current appearance.

"C'mon Dean. You gotta snap out of this!! He's only been gone for like four hours and you're already a wreck!"

Sam went into his brother's room, picking himself around the mess to his brother's bed.

"Cas wouldn't want you to-"

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT CAS WOULD WANT. You don't freaking know what Cas would want for me. You voted him off! You voted for him to go Sam. Did you really think I'd forget?? So don't you dare come in here thinking you know best, thinking you can just come in here and everything would be okay between us."

Sam stared blankly at Dean, loss for words. Dean's eyes moved away from his brother's as Sam took a minute to think of what to say.

"Look Dean, what did you want me to say? I thought I was doing the right thing I guess? I'm sorry man, I didn't know it would be-"

"Exactly! You didn't know! But it's done anyway right? Look Sam I just need to be alone right now. I.. I just can't deal with this shit right now."

Sam nodded and reluctantly left the room after dumping some of Dean's stuff he got from the hotel on his bed.
He looked back at Dean who was sitting at the edge of his bed looking at the mess he created.
After Sam had left, Dean went through the pile and eventually found Cas' phone. He switched it on and put it side by side next to his. They both had the same lockscreen.
It was a picture of them both, on the night that Dean asked Cas out and Cas had that big fat grin on his face and he started to hug Dean.
And then they had their first proper kiss that night which is when Sam captured the picture.
Dean watched as the the picture started to fade away and the phones' screens went off because of waiting too long to put in the password.
Dean threw the phones to the end of the bed and tried to stop his brain from thinking so much.

Sam broke up with Jay that night. Somehow, now that he had a basic memory of who Jay was, he figured he probably got his memory back when Zachariah took Cas to heaven. If he had untied them up he must've fixed his memory too. And right now, even though he still sorta loved Jay, it just wasn't the time.

He tried apologizing but when you're heart is being broken, half meant "sorry"s don't really help anything so when Jay suddenly ended the call he didn't blame her. In fact he didn't really blame himself nor anyone else.

Truth was? It wasn't anyone's fault really.