Paper Airplanes ll hs.

Ch.16. Watching movies with the sound off.

Sure it wasn’t the best time we’d had because we ate our food and even though I had my Chinese food and Harry had his pizza he still ate some of my food which is one thing I had about him. That’s why when I make a sandwich I always put mayonnaise on it so he wouldn’t ask for a bite. But it was a pretty normal thing for me and Harry, just eating and talking and trying to get our minds off of something’s. I had to get my mind off of my grandmother, which is a pretty hard thing for me because I know that even if she wants me to be smiling it’s still hard because I can’t see her smile still and I can’t hear her laugh and it’s just a bunch of emotions running in and out of my body. So Harry and I stood the last two hours just watching commercials and television shows on mute and trying to guess what the episode is about and what they’re trying to say. A couple of times we just ended up getting angry and changing the channel, but then when television shows got boring we began with music videos on my laptop and we’d watch High School Musical and Camp Rock, with a little bit of Backstreet Boys and N’sync. Then I showed Harry Mac Miller videos because I thought some of his music wasn’t bad and then I showed him songs of Mac Miller that I really enjoyed. There’s some songs that Mac Miller has that isn’t really serious but it’s catchy and there’s lyrics that are really inappropriate, but then he has some songs that are really good with their lyrics and I really like Mac Miller. Harry said he thought it wasn’t as bad but he’s not too into hip hop and I told him I know but it was something new. I’m not too crazy about rap music but I guess I had my moments when I listened to some people, like Mac Miller, or Macklemore and Eminem, I mean you can’t really go wrong with Eminem. But we watched a bunch of Disney videos and tried to say the words and then we ended up watching the Cheetah Girls videos because I haven’t watched them in a while. I sang and danced to the songs I knew and then we were laughing because I made a complete fool of myself but it was fine because I was with Harry, he sang along with me and I got him up and danced with him to A La Nanita Nana and it was just slowly swaying back and forth because I told him I didn’t really know how to slow dance, “I would love to teach you.” He said softly, “Just like I would love to learn that Spanish dance video you watch all the time.”

I shook my head, “that’s too intense.” I said running my thumb over his soft skin, “I don’t even know how to dance to that.”

“After this, will you show me?” I looked up at his eyes and they were squinted with his smile and they oozed out happiness, and I couldn’t help but nod because I know it’ll make him happy. So we continued to dance to the song and I mouthed the words and Harry just laughed at me, “Remember when I told you that I was going to kiss you and you wouldn’t see it coming? I told you I wanted to make the moment a bit special and I-“ He stopped speaking because we both heard his phone ringing and I let go of him as quick as possible and told him to answer it because the song was almost over anyway. So I turned the music off and I went onto tumblr and began reblogging anything that came onto my dashboard. Harry hung up his phone and then he turned to me, “I have to go... Tomorrow’s the X Factor USA thing ... I’m really sorry, Journey.”

I shook my head, “don’t let me stop you from doing your job, Harry.” And he didn’t say anything after that, he just put his jacket on and I walked him to the door where he hugged for a really long time. I know in this time I should even be thinking about my grandmother because it’ll just bring me back to tears. But Harry told me he’ll be going to the funereal tomorrow and he can’t because of the X Factor. I know he needs to go, and he needs to do some stuff with Taylor so more people could believe their dating. To be honest, I even believe their dating, he’s texting her more and talking about her more and with a smile on his face and he has glee in his eyes. I got that he was happy and I was happy for him, but something inside of me didn’t like it; like when he began talking about kissing me by surprise, of course I wanted it to happen but I knew something was going to stop it. I guess it was just God’s way of stopping something that isn’t supposed to be, and I’m not going to go against that for some reason. But the feeling inside of me didn’t take a hint and leave, so I ended up holding my knees to my chest against the door and crying for the next two hours. I thought about my mom finding me but she was sound asleep and I knew nothing would wake her up, I thought about somebody coming to know on the door for some strange reasons because every other day no one unexpected is knocking on the door, and still no one is. But no, for two hours I stood there with my knees up against my chest and I cried everything out and I knew most of the reason was for my grandmother, and perhaps the other reason; the feeling inside me that I had before her passing, the feeling inside of me that came a while back that I can’t exactly remember, the feeling of something not being right. Every time I think of it my throat closes like it refuses to say what it actually is and my stomach begins to feel empty and my mind says things before I could stop them and then I realized the other part of me that is letting these tears out is because I know that even if and when Taylor and Harry end their little thing together, I still will never be able to be the glimpse of happiness that lays in his green eyes. Somehow I managed to drag myself out of bed and I went to my room and lay under the covers with the plush doll of Sully Harry bought for me even though I told him not to. But he still bought it for me and I was like a kid coming out of a candy shop because it means a lot to me. So I lay down and I hug the plush doll close to me because it holds his scent and I close my eyes and wish for everything to just end and I slowly cry myself into another world called dreams.

-

My dad told me it’ll be best to see my grandmother in the coffin even though I basically begged him that I really don’t want to see her. But I did, and there she was; it was obvious that she wasn’t breathing because her stomach wasn’t rising up and down like it usually does. She wore the purple shirt that my aunt Ester and Elizabeth bought her the other day, and she had a bit of red lipstick on and she looked beautiful as always. I bit the inside of my lip and leaned against my dad who had an arm around me as he whispered how much she loved me; I knew I shouldn’t feel guilty but I did because I could’ve visited her more and I could’ve spent more time with her but I didn’t. Tears spilled from my eyes and that’s when my dad slowly began to bring me back to the lobby where Elizabeth pulled me into a hug and she told me to try and stay strong for the rest of the day, she then kissed my forehead and then she wiped my tears away and I was then being hugged by my cousin Jay Jay who I wasn’t close with as much but I still hugged him because we’ve had some good laughs and we’re family. The whole time of the funereal I was leaning against Eli and he would try his best to make me laugh because he said he likes me laughing and he enjoys the thought of me being happy and doesn’t want to ruin that image. That made me smile on its own because he’s adorable and a dork and it was really sweet. So I smiled and I tried to smile throughout the whole ride in the car with one of my older brother’s Angel and my uncle Papo. Papo would go on and on about how amazing Boston is and how he wants me to go visit him and see his daughters, then Angel began talking about how he wanted a girlfriend and it’ll be nice if Papo could hook him up with someone even though he’s dating some girl I don’t really enjoy but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, so I stood quiet and I unlocked my phone and through the corner I saw Angel asking me about my background, and I couldn’t help but grow a small smile when I saw the picture of me sitting on Harry’s lap and I held my phone in front of us as I told him to take a picture with me; we were cheek to cheek and before I took the picture Harry kissed my cheek and I ended up giving in the picture. There was something about the picture that I loved and I think it was because back then some stuff were so simple, like not a lot of people knowing about me. Or the fact that his hair was in his face more and his curls were crazier than it is now and when he kissed my cheek you could see his dimples and the three birthmarks on his face that I adore and it made me happy looking at it. But I shrugged to Angel, “it’s a cute picture.” I said before I locked it again because I forgot what I was going to do.

“You’re dating that Harry guy?” Angel asked, and I knew he was angry because of what happened to grandma and because he never trust Harry and he never trust the story I told him on how I met Harry and Louis. But there was nothing to really tell him, I just shook my head and told him that Harry and I are just friends, “yeah next thing you know he’s kissing you when he has a girlfriend and he’s trying to get you into his hotel bed.” I shot Angel a look that told him to shut up and he did, then Papo began telling me how Angel is right because that’s all guys want and there’s not a different guy out there unless their gay. I told Papo to shut up because he knows how I feel about same sex rights and everything, “listen nena, I’m just trying to tell you the truth from what I know and I’m pretty sure little Lefty is too,” I rolled my eyes at Angel’s middle name; it’s obvious he isn’t little with his 6’1 height, “guys just want to get you into bed and then walk away because we know how to get someone with words.”

“But like I said, Harry never got me into bed; we’ve never done anything stupid like that. Yes there’s rumors we’ve had sex and we’re dating and whatever, but we’re not. We’re just friends and he’s in LA with his girlfriend Taylor Swift who has a bunch of Grammies and pretty little blond hair and a little petite body and sings amazing songs. What more could you possibly want to prove that he doesn’t want to get me into his bed and then leave me?” I didn’t realize I had a small outburst but they both looked at me concerned and I realized that I didn’t make anything anymore better.

Angel just started at me and I started straight ahead, “are you jealous of Taylor?”

I looked at Angel and I had the urge to tell him the truth but I just stared at his hazel eyes and I continued to hear the annoying sound of his blinker just continuing to beep, “you could shut your blinker off, y’know.”

“Shut up.” He smirked.