Cold World

Everybody Got A Past

- Juan's Pov

"My past's real fucked up Juan. I hate thinking about it but I want you to understand me. And I don't want to have any secrets between us" she said fiddling with her fingers. I lifted her chin with my finger looking in her eyes

"Everybody has a past , everybody has a reason why they are the way they are" I said to her pecking her lips.

"Mama used to always allow men to come over for her addiction .. they always thought I was pretty. Mama would laugh and try to put his attention back on her but one night.. She was knocked out so bad. Nothing was stopping him from pursing me.. I was scared real scared.. He began touching me ...I screamed . Kicked everything in my power. B-but he wouldn't stop. I was 11 !!! I remember seeing Gino earlier that day... So after he left me there.. I ran. I ran to Gino's" she closed her eyes and began speaking again.

"I sobbed into Gino's chest telling him everything. That was the day I realized how much Gino was gonna have an impact on me. That night I slept with James. He let me cry on him all night. Gino offered me to stay but I couldn't leave mama. That was my mama and I loved her. Even if she didn't love me. " she paused again taking her breath. I felt for her .

"Coming home that day mama beat me .. I cried so loud hoping the neighbors would hear. Somebody did but of course mama lied and told them something to shoo em off. Mama used to beat for the smallest things. One day I got tired of it and started hitting back. After fighting she told me nobody would ever love me , I was a slut. How my own dad didn't want me. She wanted me to hate myself. Somewhere deep down inside I held on and began loving myself. Mama would say so many hateful things after she realized I'd gotten strong and quit beating on me. But Gino and his family always told me good things." she stopped. I whipped her tears and put her in my lap

"It was weird to have a man who wasn't your father love you as if he was and your own father hate you. I remember coming home numerous nights to my mom doping up , or passed out. I still cared about her. After everything she put me through I still loved her. But I came home one night she wasn't there and her stuff was just gone. She left me a note saying she was gone and wasn't coming back. That was supposed to break me but it didn't. I wonder all the time how she is , I wonder if my dad ever wanted me. I wonder what would've happened to me if I didn't find Gino. Gino is the reason I'm still alive. So yes I feel like I owe him my life. Gino is the only man who had heart to show me fatherly love so I call him daddy. No other man has ever showed me that no family members tried contacting me. Nobody gave a fuck about lil Shanel besides Gino , his wife and James. Its sad I had to go through hell to get to where I am today but I'm good Juan. I'm good. she sniffled and smiled at the end. I smiled with her. Considering what she's bee through she is good.

"Baby I'm glad you let that out , can't hold stuff in like that." I told her. I was a hypocrite , I had bad skeletons to and here I am pressuring her to talk.

"You aint clean either papi , I see your struggle" she looked at me.

It was only right for me to spill my guts to. Shanel got off my lap and say next to me.

"Lay on me and spill it" she told. I put my head in her lap and layed down as she played with my curls.

"I guess I'm similar to you except I didn't find Gino till 3 years ago. I was by myself dealing with my demons on my own. My dad came home drunk a lot when I was young . I'd always him and my mom screaming at each other. But it'd always ending in her screaming for him to stop. He didn't stop till he wanted to though , one night I walked in on him slapping her. The mama's boy I am I rushed to him tryna get him off of her. He laughed swinging me over on the floor .Telling me how I was a disgrace and how weak I was and then he started speaking on how my mama was a hoe and i'd never be shit. Everything changed when I was 15 . Dad came home high beating on mama .. this time mama was winning. I ran to stop it but once I hit the room my mama had shot him 10 times. His body layed there lifeless. My mama was still shaking with the gun in her head crying , she was shaking her head. I attempted to calm her. But I was in shock as much as her. Before we realized everything the cops were arresting her. The last thing she told me that night was she loved me"

"Ever since then I was on my own .. started trapping. Got me this house and designed it this way so if my mother ever got to come home she'd be comfortable but that never happened. I saw her a lot while she was in jail she was depressed. My last visit with her she spilled her guts. I'm sorry for ruining your life , I cheated on your father well that man. He wasn't your real father I thought I owed him something for cheating on him. He made me stay there , while he beat me. I never wanted your life to be like this baby. Look your father's name is Eric Thomas .. I sent you a letter it should be there in a week son I love you always remember that." I wasn't even mad at her I was confused but I told her I loved her. That was when last year I was 18 the next day I got a call telling me she committed suicide. I was broken until I got the letter. I don't wanna talk bout that cuz its a lot and very special to me . " I told her looking up at the last part.

She understood and I felt like this was off my shoulders.

"Shanel I love you .. I wont hurt you" I told her..

"I love you to baby " she said... That night was the first time we made love , both of us needed it.

#Emotional .. but now you know most of what they been through. Hope ya'll understand Comment/Vote Not update soon , or update something with detail please. Oh & tell yo friends bout this story .. I need more readers.