Dreams & Other Lost Things {Sequel to B&TBR}

Chapter 10: Sleepless, Messy, and Alone.

Asher followed me outside, his footsteps right behind mine. They were heavy which meant he also wasn't happy. I stopped by a park bench and rested my hands on it, leaning against it as I waited for Asher to pull up beside me.

"Why did you bring me with you?" Asher asked after a moment. The snow was barely falling and sticking to the earth's surface. I looked at Asher with a questioning look but didn't get to answer his question. "A better question would be; why have you been talking to me and spending time with me and helping me?"

I was confused on everything. Why was he doing this after what just happened? Why was he acting so weird?

"What are you talking about, Asher?" I asked, turning to him.

"I'm not blind or deaf, Bea. I can tell you feel like you need to be with me. I'm not a charity case, I don't need saving," he retorted. I stared at him, shocked.

"You aren't a charity case," I argued. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Back there in the bathroom." Oh crap. "You don't need me for that? Need me for what? To help you if you need me? I only need you?" He was getting angry now, shoving his hands in his pockets. Asher and I had our fights, but he never seemed this serious about being mad at me. I was scared, to be honest.

"Asher, it's not like that," I started. I didn't mean to say what I had, let alone let him hear it.

"It is like that," he finished. "I look sad so you have to make me happy. That's how it goes. I'm Asher, the boy with a broken soul that needs saving. Here's the thing, Bea: I don't want saved. I want to be left how I am - sleepless, messy, and alone."

With that, he pressed his lips into a thin line and took off speed walking down the sidewalk. I lost him in a matter of seconds in the crowd of people.

I stood there, staring at nothing as my eyes clouded over with tears. What just happened, because I'm pretty sure my heart was about to explode. I was still standing in the same spot when Luke stormed out.

He burst through the doors and looked around, an angry expression on his face. I looked at him, hoping he would talk to me and maybe we wouldn't be so mad at each other. Hoping that the day was over with anger.

"Luke –" I began, but stopped when he shook his head and walked away, his jacket clenched in a fist as he pushed through the crowd of New Yorker's.

I turned and headed back to my apartment, holding back the tears that threatened to spill over.

I took a few detours returning to the apartment. I had no idea if Ellie would be there and I certainly did not want her seeing me this way. I was tore up, my eyes felt puffy from crying and my cheeks felt numb from rubbing away the tears that got away. I walked through a few back alleys and ran into some cats. Each one ran away from me and saw it as a sign. I had finally screwed up enough to make everyone disappear. I knew it was a stupid thing to think.

But I was feeling irrational.

I remembered felling this way when I was younger. Feeling like everything was falling apart. I didn't know if I was going to pull off all these classes, having art classes plus psychology classes all at once. I didn't know if my parents would still love me tomorrow after all of what happened. I didn't know Asher would ever be like he used to be. I didn't know if I'd ever have a relationship with my brother.

Suddenly everything became too much. The world was still revolving, but I was stuck floating about it with the stars, watching it turn day after day.

It had been like this for a while. I knew I wasn't okay. But I thought that was normal by now. I never had the feeling that anything was permanent. Except death. Death with the only permanent thing.