Rupture // h.s au

56. "Try for me."

Autumn

We had been walking for quite some time, less purposefully now, although Harry seemed to fasten his steps, almost excitedly. I had to put Raine down eventually, because the dark cloud over her head seemed to vanish, and she began pointing at every house we passed, telling a rather loud story, right into my ears, hands moving, legs kicking, and she became a bit much for me to restrain. So now, we walked, with her hand in mine, and the other pointing at her favorite hiding place, where no one could ever find her, because she was that smart and little and light on her feet. I couldn't help but smile, listening to her slight lisp and child-like talk, grateful that the heaviness on her young soul had disappeared for now.

" Where are we going, Harry?" I sped my steps a bit to catch up with him, leaning in so that I'd whisper that into his ear, without interrupting Raine's consistent speech. He slightly tilted his head, a smile prominent on his lips. Half his face was dark, since the moonlight couldn't reach it where it was hidden between us. But the other half was so pale, so bright, it almost lit up on its own. His eyes looked darker in the nightlight; like a crowded forest, with trees and leaves and hideaways. It felt like if I stared long enough, I'd get lost there. But he'd find me. He always did.

" We're almost there."

" Not to be rude or anything but Raine is eating my ears off talking." He laughed then, all lively, and loudly and freely, like it was the easiest thing in the world for him to laugh. Raine looked between us, shrugging her shoulder, before returning to whatever she was talking about. I had stopped listening a while ago. I couldn't help but smile, feeling my heart thumping against my chest, as if willing me to do that again; to make him laugh like that again.

" We're here." He announced, taking a few rushed steps away from us, as he pointed to an empty, dirt area, with flasks, tires, and cardboard boxes in different sizes collected together. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused, but then he put his hands to his belt line, retrieving two guns.

" What are you doing?"

Raine had left my hand, wandering around curiously, measuring her height against all cardboard boxes. My eyes followed Harry's movements. He wouldn't bring me here to kill me, especially not in front of Raine. He wouldn't kill her either. Or himself. Oh God. What if that was his way of ending his life, and he brought us here for a final goodbye? He would have brought his mother too, and his friends. He wouldn't have brought Raine to see him go. He wouldn't have done that to her.

I felt panic coursing through me, as Harry continued to ignore my question, like I had never spoken at all. I couldn't be sure I had. I wasn't really sure of anything. My hands were twitching, knees weakening, and I had that horrid feeling in my stomach that was heavy, nauseating. I almost threw up.

Harry fixed the tires in a line, putting flasks over some of them, and boxes on others. Sometimes, he'd put a flask, over a box, for some extra height, it seemed like. I didn't understand what he was doing, until he put a gun in my hand, smiling warmly at me, like that would make any of it any better. For the first time, it didn't. It couldn't. Because the gun felt like it was burning holes into my shaking hand, all the way through it, till it fell out of the other end.

Harry bent down to retrieve it again, and I took a few steps away. I felt attacked. Cornered. I felt a lot of things that made no sense. I didn't want to feel them, but they were there, more overwhelming than ever.

" You have to get back to it, Autumn. You can't be afraid of using weapons forever." Harry reasoned, but I simply shook my head, continuing to retrieve backwards like Harry's proximity would somehow hurt me.

" I don't want to." I choked out, turning away, but then Harry launched forward, taking my arm and pulling me to him.

" It can't hurt you. The gun can't hurt you, Autumn."

" You don't get it. I can't. I don't want to." I fought against him with all my will, but even in my healthy condition, I didn't stand a chance when it came to Harry. He held me in place, eyes intense, grip firm but never unkind.

" I can't protect you forever, Autumn. I can't worry about you every time there's a threat. I don't want anything bad to happen to you again. And I won't let it. But I can't do it on my own. I need to know that if something happens and I'm not there, then you'll be able to fight. I need you to do this." He spoke to me so tenderly, like the octaves of his voice could break me to pieces, like I was made of glass. In that moment, I felt that weak.

" I'm scared, Harry." My head fell onto his chest, too heavy for me to carry. He circled an arm around my waist, the other still holding the gun, but no longer forcing it upon me.

" So am I."

" You are?" I lifted my eyes, but not my head, meeting his kind stare, as he nodded.

" Everything about you scares the living hell out of me." I smiled a little, and so did he, but the air was still too heavy, too crowded with fears, worries, and doubts.

" But what if- what if I lose it again? Lose myself? What if I get out of control, and go on a killing spree, and just take everyone with me?"

" You think you can take us all out? Getting a bit cocky there." His tone was humorous, he was trying really hard for it to be, and once again, I smiled, giving his chest a slight shove, but he never pulled away. He never let go.

" I don't want to hurt anybody again, Harry. Don't want to hurt you." It went past my lips before I could process how aggressively true it was. Sure, I didn't want to bring harm into the world, but mostly to him. He was the one I was scared for the most.

The hand that was laying on my waist, slowly lifted, falling onto my cheek, as he slowly traced the healing wounds and bruises. I couldn't help but lean into it, into him. I needed him. I had never needed anything or anyone, but I couldn't help it with him. He kept me grounded, kept me collected.

" You won't. Please try. For me."

I knew he wouldn't push me, wouldn't force me into doing anything I didn't want to do. I held his eyes, and they were bright with hope, yet, dark with weariness. They were filled with love and care and pride and worry and things I couldn't begin to name, let alone understand. With trembling hands and a newly found confidence, I put my hand over his, taking the gun. His smile immediately grew, as he stood me at the appropriate distance between me and the targets.

He gave Raine the smaller gun, putting in manually made, fake, pebble-like bullets, telling her to just aim and shoot, anywhere but in our direction, or at anything that would reflect the bullets and bring them back. They wouldn't really do much damage, but they'd leave an ugly bruise, Harry had told me, seemingly speaking from experience.

Then, Harry was holding my arms out, with his chest barely touching my back, but his presence, more prominent than ever. He was there, every step of the way, teaching me like it was the first time I'd ever held a gun. For a while, it felt like just that. But every time my hands shook too fiercely, Harry would hold onto them, as if telling me that he was still there, and so was I, and no parts of us were being lost or altered into something ugly. And I'd breathe a bit better, stand a bit firmer, shoot a bit more accurately. And if I didn't, and I got too scared, then that was okay too.

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A/N: So... I don't know how I really feel about this chapter, but I hope you've enjoyed it. Things are starting to pick up a bit so we'll see how it goes from here.

Also, who's happy about Raine's return? Let me know what you think of this and what you'd like to see happen!

I can't wait for this story to reach 100k, I can't believe this is actually a possibility now, thanks to you. I can't put it into words how grateful I am for all your support, you're brilliant people :)