Rupture // h.s au

49. I didn't speak.

Harry

She held onto my mother's bare, trembling, figure. And I had to look away. Not only because my mother's body was not for my eyes to see, but also, because she was so pale, you'd think she was dead. Her limbs were bruising where she'd hit them earlier, in an attempt to hold herself upright. Her features draining of character, aging, like she'd grown years upon years in her sleep. And I couldn't see her like that.

I could hear her, whispering into my mother's ears, as if urging her on. I wanted to know every little secret she could only tell her, knowing that she probably couldn't hear her anyway. I wanted to know every little confession that she couldn't even tell herself, but told my mother. I wanted to know how she spoke to her; how her voice sounded, if it sounded the same as when she talked to me.

I sighed, shaking my head in frustration. I didn't want to think of her that way. I didn't want to think of her at all. But I couldn't help it. She was so devastatingly vulnerable, and seeing her so hurt, calmed the rage within me, leaving room for the absurd love I still felt for her. It made no sense, but with her, nothing ever did. I used to welcome that, appreciate it even, but now it just confused me.

" She's going to seize, turn her to her side so that she doesn't choke."

My head moved before I could stop it, eyes immediately falling onto my mother's body, thrashing and shaking beneath Autumn, as she had both hands against her back to stop her from laying back on it, while Liam supported her front to keep her from falling off the bed. The blankets covering her were falling away, and I willed myself to look the other way. I couldn't invade her privacy like that. I couldn't degrade her. But mostly, I couldn't see her in that state. It was too much.

The harder I squeezed my eyes shut, the more I could see her, even in the morbid darkness, she was there; ever so pale, so weak, literally fading away before my eyes. I didn't know which was worse; having my eyes opened and having to take it all in, or having them closed, and still managing to see it all behind my eyelids. Everything just hurt, and I wished that if I closed my eyes, desperately enough, then I'd just disappear into the darkness.

" Autumn, she's okay now, but you're bleeding. Let me fix you up, come on."

I heard Liam saying, somewhere at the back of my head. He couldn't. I wanted to tell him that no one could possibly fix her up. She was too far gone, damaged beyond repair. I would know. I had tried and tried. I swore I had tried, to help her, to bring her back to her old self, to me. But there was always an aspect to her that was too taunted, that it ruined the rest of her. So, no. Autumn couldn't be fixed up. Autumn was unfixable.

" Not now, Liam. I'm fine. We have to make sure she's stable first."

Liam sighed, before a hand grasped my arm, almost causing me to flinch away, but I didn't.

" Harry, help me out here. She won't listen to me. She's shivering even more than your mother. Her body is on overdrive, she's going to crash soon."

I looked into his eyes, and I saw a man scared of losing someone he cared for wholeheartedly. I almost saw myself in there, and it scared me. Because his eyes weren't meant to be so caring; they were meant to be as lifeless and void as his sister had been, when she had taken my father away. I had to repeat that mantra in my head, so that I'd never succumb to all she made me feel inside.

I gently pulled my arm away from his grasp, careful not to cause him any further pain. His confusion deepened, as he stared at me through questioning eyes. I didn't know how to explain my reasoning, so I told myself I didn't have to. I didn't owe him an explanation. I didn't owe him, or his sister, anything. So, I just shook my head, turning my face away from his familiar eyes, hoping that he'd understand, without me having to voice it. I didn't think I'd be able to.

" What the hell is your problem? Just because you're mad at her, or whatever, you're willing to just let her die? Let her waste herself away? What the actual fuck, Harry?" He snapped, taking my arm again, and turning my upper body around, so that I'd have to face him.

" You don't know anything. You- I don't care. She can do whatever the fuck she wants. I don't care. Not anymore. I- I can't care, Liam. I can't."

There. I said it. It was out in the open. And even if I hadn't heard it echoing through the tensed air, the look in his eyes, would have confirmed its release. Though, I didn't dare look for long. This time, he was the one who let go of my arm. This time, he was the one to turn away from me. And it was because she was holding onto his other arm, panting for air, eyes fluttering and almost closing.

My body immediately arched in her direction, reacting to her before I could ever stop it. But I willed myself not to move any closer, not to approach, because she was an unsafe ground, and if I dared step into it again, it would explode. It would shake and break beneath my feet, and it would bury me under. And I couldn't allow that to happen again.

" Hey, hey, you're okay. It's all going to be okay. Just, stay with me. Stay awake. You're okay." Liam held her face in his hands, the way I would have, if I could still love her the same. She was nodding, though her eyes still took a bit too long to blink, and her chest was moving in a pace that couldn't be normal.

" Anne. Anne." She croaked, her voice barely a whisper, but her hand blindly shook beside her, until she took my mother's settled hand in her own. Liam was frantic, searching through the surroundings for something to help her, anything, but he didn't want to let her go, in fear of her body collapsing, and never rising again.

I turned to the table, pouring a single glass of water, as I patted Liam's shoulder, giving it to him, without a single word. I didn't know what to say. How could I have explained why I had to not care whether his sister died or not? How could I have worded that hole in my heart that grew when I touched her, but also grew when I didn't? How could I have put any of what she made me feel into words? I could never really explain it, or her, or anything related to what she brought upon me.

So I didn't speak as Liam helped her drink the water, causing her to choke a bit, and my breath caught in my throat, until hers slowly stabilized. I didn't speak as he slowly and carefully stitched the wound in her head, talking to her about anything and everything, only to keep her awake. I didn't speak as she finally opened her eyes, the natural color to her skin slowly returning, but not quite. And the first thing she did, was turn to face my mother, who she now laid on the bed beside. I didn't speak then either.

Liam whispered comforting promises that my mother would be okay, and Autumn, and everything else. She smiled, a smile that was nothing like her own, as she held him into her arms, for a minute or two, before urging him to leave, to give my mother and I the privacy we needed and deserved. I wanted to speak then, but I didn't. I couldn't.

So, with a lingering embrace, and a hesitant I love you, Liam looked at me, his eyes both pleading and challenging. I hadn't quite seen anything like it before. But then, he walked away, and Autumn sighed, closing her eyes. I waited for them to open again. I waited for her to move in any way, to reassure me that she was still aware and conscious, but she didn't. She just laid there, with my mother's hand in her own, and her rising chest being the only indication of her life. I could feel myself panicking, though I didn't want to. And that was when I first spoke. I just had to. The thought of her being unwell, pulled the words right out of my numbed up mouth.

" Autumn," Was all I managed to get out, as her eyes squeezed shut, a bit more desperately now, as if my voice had pained her. I wasn't sure if I wanted that or not, yet.

" Au-"

" Harry. You don't have to care anymore. You can't, remember?"

But what if I did? I wanted to ask. But I didn't. I didn't speak again.

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A/N: THE NEXT CHAPTER IS THE GREAT 50TH CHAPTER OF THIS STORY, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FAR YOU'VE TAKEN ME AND THIS STORY SO THANK YOU SO SO MUCH, YOU GUYS ARE THE ABSOLUTE BEST

So, let me know what you think of this; autumn, liam, harry, share your thoughts!

Till next time, ily x