Your Love Is A Waiting Game

Until I See You Again

The blood raced it's way through his veins, every inch of his body alive with energy being directed at the punching bag. His arms ached and his knuckles were split. Felicity would have something to say about that. He put his back against the bag and leaned over, his hands braced on his knees, his lungs sucking in the much needed oxygen. He was out of shape. Ever since Slade had come to town he hadn't been as active as usual. He didn't want to leave Felicity or his family unprotected and that had meant spending every free moment being with them. To be honest he would rather stay in bed with Felicity all day than pouring sweat in a dark foundry with only the training equipment for company.

He'd been doing his best to search for Slade on his own but he should have known better. His computer skills weren't anywhere near Felicity's. He knew she had been doing all she could if the tablet that set near the bed every night was any indication. He would come from taking a shower and she would immediately set it aside. When he asked why she'd said she had a 'No electronics is bed rule.' At the time he had only smiled and curled up next to her, silently thinking her rule wouldn't last long. But it had. At least in the bed. He would find her up on sitting on the sofa in the middle of the night claiming she couldn't sleep because of the baby or that she was hungry and couldn't go back to bed on a full stomach. He saw through every excuse. His wife was no liar, at least not to him. He knew she could lie convincingly if she needed to, but only if someones life was in danger, otherwise she avoided it. Diggle had even once said that Felicity was his moral compass. Maybe he was right.

Felicity thought she kept her searches on the down low but he knew what she had been doing. He always knew. He really didn't know how she did it with the company and the pregnancy. Obviously she was stronger than he had given her credit for. But he knew that too didn't he? He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He needed to end this. For his family, his friends and for himself. Everything that had happened and was happening was his fault and he needed to put a stop to it before anything...worse happened.

"Oliver, man what are you doing?"

He didn't even hear Diggle come in. If that didn't show how off his game he was nothing did. He looked down at this bloody hands and was taken back to the day he had supposedly killed Slade. The day he had a choice but let anger take over instead. Dried blood sunk into the lines of his palms, he closed his eyes and balled his hands into fist. How was he supposed to be a father? How could hands of a killer touch something as soft and pure as a baby?

"I can practically hear your thoughts, stop beating yourself up Oliver."

His eyes opened and immediately found Digg's. He stood a few feet away, large arms crossed against his chest.

"I can't. This...all of this could've been avoided, if only I hadn't been a killer."

"Did you hear what you said?"

"What?" He asked confused.

"You said 'had been'. You're not a killer anymore."

"I don't get it John? I've killed so many people and I would do it again in a instant if someone threatened the people I love. Why do I get to be free?"

"One thing I learned from the military is that a warrior is never free. We're forced to do things, unthinkable things, but it's done so that our families can be safe, so our country can be free. Battle is a gray area. Is it right to kill people? Even when they are threatening lives? Is the saying 'One for the life of many' true?"

Diggle stepped forward, uncrossing him arms and pressing his lips together for a moment in thought.

"I don't have the answers. I don't think I ever will. So if we're talking about just plain killing here then neither of us deserves to be free, but we're not Oliver, we're talking war and there is always casualties in a war. We'll carry those deaths with us the rest of our lives. We'll wonder if it was right, if there was another way, something else we could have done. But ultimately we're fighting a war with ourselves. I've made peace with what I've done. You have to find a way to live, to be at peace, even though you don't think you deserve too. You have to find a way to let go, if not for your own, then for your son."