A Two World Life

Morning Talks

"Ok, fine. What do you have to say?" He started walking in our secret way, where there were low chances of other couples catching us.

"I want to say I am sorry, but I know you too well. Sorry will only make you mad. So, I am going to tell you what I finally understood yesterday. Remember how I said I only see you as a friend? That's complete bullsh*t! I still very much love you Cal, but there is not way we can ever work out. It's not even that I don't have feeling for you. What I am trying to say is, I guess I was never really in love with you."

With each word I said, I saw his wall crashing down. So, I continued trying to explain better.

"And you know what? You didn't either."

"What? How can you even--"

"Listen, remember the time I was sitting with one of your frat brothers and he was flirting with me?"

"What does-?"

"You weren't jealous then. You were never jealous. I could practically have kissed a guy and you wouldn't be jealous. You would be hurt because I broke your trust, but you would never be jealous." 

I looked at him to see how he would reply.

"Maybe, but can you imagine how it feel like when all you could think about was one girl every minute of you life for two years? And suddenly she says she never loved you?"

"Caleb, stop doing this. I know you are hurting and I have no clue how to make you feel better. My parents already got a me a marriage proposal right after graduation and I even had to go out on a date with him yesterday. That's when I realized Cal, I could never let you go nor have a complete relationship with you."

"But that is exactly your problem Trisha. You know you still love me. You know it. And you also know I can never be part of your future because of your family. So you are just convincing yourself I'm not good enough for you? Tell me one thing. Is there one day, even just one day you didn't think about me?"

I bent my head down.

"Exactly. If that doesn't tell you, I don't know what will." 

I was biting my lip so I wouldn't cry.

"I am confused ok? I am confused. I don't know anymore. You distanced yourself from me Caleb! It wasn't me. I didn't choose to be the bigger person and back off, you did! And you planted that idea in my head. If it wasn't for Joe, you would still be by my side pretending like every second isn't slowly killing you inside."

"But now you know- you know I am crazy for you. So why are you holding back?"

His eyes looked so desperate.

"Because it's too late Cal. It is too late. Now its not just a matter of making my dad accept you, its a matter of canceling and engagement. I love you, but I don't think there will be a day I will never feel guilty for letting you down like this."

"Then don't leave me Trisha. Please."

I looked at him with my eyes starting to tear. 

"Cal, you know its for the best. I was never good enough for you. Think about it. I was the problem in our relationship. You would always act as the glue, but you never saw that I stressed you out. You never saw that I was more trouble that your worth."

"No, don't do this to me. You were never a problem for me. I think what ever you treat as trouble was my love for you. But you are right, maybe it is time we end this once and for all. I hope whoever you end up marrying will keep you happy. Maybe we were never meant to be."