The New Coach

8. The Awkwardness.

To say that I've not been avoiding Coach would kind of be a lie. I mean, I'm not outright avoiding him, I still speak to him at the arena. But, I have been dodging his attempts to talk to me privately. I'm not exactly sure why and if he asked me for the explanation I admit he deserves, I wouldn't know what to say. I think the feelings I felt in that hotel room for him were too much and I need a little space to figure things out.

I guess one thing holding me back is that I always knew I was secretly interested in men, but I never imagined that one time with a man and I would never even think about wanting a woman again. I've only been with women other than Kevin but one night with him and it was like the women were erased from my memory. I've been half tempted to call my last serious girlfriend and ask if she knew deep down I was gay. It strikes me as funny that most people's major concern when realizing they're gay would be their families, but they're the last of my worries. I know they'll be fine with it. Another major hold up is the team.

They would never let this happen peacefully, someone would cause trouble for us. Athletes aren't known to be super open minded on that front, even if I believe a lot more of them are hidden in the closet than they'll ever admit. I know these are all things I could talk to Kevin about, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't admit to him that I'm totally freaking out. Although, I'm sure he can tell.

Practice is set to start in a few minutes but I'm the only one out on the ice. I skate around, my brain too busy with other thoughts to realize someone has stepped out in front of me. I nearly fall on my ass, but Coach catches me. "Valdez, you should watch where you're going." He doesn't sound like the Kevin I know and think I could love, instead he sounds like a cold, distant coach, one strictly here to scream at me. "Sorry, sir," I whisper, skating away. Practice starts and it seems I'm on someone's radar.

"Valdez! What in the actual fuck are you doing out there? Are you even awake?" I just nod and move to formation, running the play again. This time I focus and score, my shot flying past the goalie. "Better, but still not perfect," Coach yells to us. We run the play a few more times and I score every single time, thankfully. Coach then begins to just yell at us for the sake of yelling, I think and tells us to run drills. "Everyone, go faster!" We do. "Everyone, do it again!" We do. Eventually, some of my teammates have had enough.

"Coach!" Scott yells. "Dude, we've done these things ten times. We've won every single game, we're all perfect. Lay off, man." I see Coach take a deep breath and look around, everyone except me nodding along to what Scott said. "Sorry, guys. Hit the showers." We all start to skate off. "Valdez, wait!" I stop skating and Scott gives me a mouthed "I'm sorry" and leaves me alone waiting to be yelled at.

"Yes, Coach?" I ask, not looking up at him. This is one time I'm thankful for his height, he'd have to bend down to catch my eyes. "What is your deal, Eddie?" His use of my name tells me he's back to Kevin, but I still don't look up. "Why are you being so awkward? Distant?" I skate to the bench and sit down.

"I have a lot going on in my mind, sir. I just need some time to process things." I hear Coach move towards me. "Time to process that I fucked you and you loved it? Really? It's not that complicated." I sigh, deciding to look at him. His eyes are on me, soft and warm, and I realize he really wants to know what I'm thinking. "I've never been with a man before, let alone someone who has authority. The team would never let this happen, they would give us such a hard time. Then it could be I fucked my way to starter and I fucked my way up and I just can't handle that."

Coach sits next to me, his hand finding my thigh. "Listen, the team doesn't have to know. We can continue being careful and we can plan things out really well. Nobody will know but us. But, I want you. I want you more than I can even express to you and now that I've been in your ass, you're not getting rid of me that easily." He leans over, kissing me lightly before pulling away again. "We can work all this out if you talk to me." I nod and lean my head on his shoulder.

He takes a hold of my hand and kisses it once before placing our joined hands back down on his thigh. His thumb rubs mine, gentle little touches. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I should have spoken to you about it. I was overwhelmed with my feelings, I think. Plus, it's not every day you realize you're completely gay and the thought that you've slept with a woman before disgusts you." Coach laughs, kissing my head. "It's okay, just talk to me."

I nod and we get up, heading to the locker room. Everyone is gone now, leaving just us. I'm half tempted to beg Coach to fuck me against a bench in the room, but I don't since that's way too risky. Instead, I pull him towards the shower with me and kiss him, sucking his tongue into my mouth. His hands help me strip myself of my pads and jersey and he trails kisses around my throat and collar bone. "Go out with me, like a real date," he whispers against my skin. I simply nod before pulling him into the shower and dropping to my knees.