YOURS SINCERELY • newtmas au

033 | Thomas

Dear Newt,

You may be wondering why I'm still writing to you. You may be wondering if I'm doing this just for my English grade. You may be thinking that I'm an asshole. The last one's true, by the way: I'm an asshole and I deserve to be slapped with a chair or table or piano. Whatever rocks your boat, Newt, you can even slap me with the boat itself.

I understand that you can't easily forgive me, especially since I actually used all the insults I know on you. I was on my worst behavior that day, because even if I didn't legit know that that player was you, it was still bad behavior of me to just insult anyone that day. I realized that no one deserves to be insulted and laughed at like that. Especially you, knew.

I'm a judgmental, assoholic nerd, that's something I have come to terms with. Try as I might to believe that I'm hella different and nicer than everyone else in WCKD, I'm actually just another snobbish, private school slug.

I really like Teresa, but sometimes I think that she can be a bitch sometimes. I hate Aris, but now I admit that he's actually more sincere and honest than me. I try to be loyal to Rachel, but on some days I just want to avoid her cuz she can be wierd and crazy.

I think I'm kind of selfish, Newt. No, strike that, I am selfish. I always think of myself. I always play the victim just so people can pity me and cut me some slack.

Remember what you told me before, Newt? How I'm not whiny and irritating and useless? Well, I have to object, because all those words describe me perfectly. I'm a leech: I hold on to you and suck the life out of you, and when I'm done ruining your life just for a brief moment of clarity on mine, I let go of you and find another person to latch on to.

I don't think I deserve you, Newt. No, I don't think you deserve me. I don't want to drain you.

You know what, Newt? During your game, when you were talking to Minho and Alby, you were smiling ear-to-ear. And although I didn't know you yet, although I didn't know that you were limp yet, I thought, "Wow, that guy sure looks alive." That was my first impression of you, Newt. Your smile looked so amazing back then, because it made you look happy and alive.

You're alive Newt. So fuckin alive. You've got my share of it, which is why you don't need to acknowledge my words. You don't need to acknowledge me, a lowly leech who thinks he loves knowledge but only loves the idea of seeming knowledgable. A lowly leech, who thinks dating the prettiest girl in school and insulting other people will fill the gigantic hole he has in his life. I mess up so much, I think the only thing I'm capable of doing is being a bad person in general.

I keep thinking about your smile, Newt, and I keep wondering, have I ever smiled that way? Have I ever been alive that much? You seem carefree and happy with your friends. You seem to be whole. So don't let my words get to you. Don't ever let anyone's words get to you.

You're capable of clearer, brighter things than me, Newt. Don't you ever forget that.

Yours sincerely,
Thomas

PS. You don't need me to bug you and your life anymore, Newt. I've already asked my English teacher if I can work on another project to make up for quitting on this, and he said he'll think of something for me. I suggest you do the same. Once again, I'm sorry for everything.